


Afternoon

by orphan_account



Series: Afternoon [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Clubbing, Coming Out, Drugs, Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Pining, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-05-29 03:07:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6356467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiyong likes to disappear. Hide from everything and everyone around him. When Seungri comes out of the closet and Jiyong discovers a whole new part of himself, his need to run gets stronger than ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanna make a quick note saying that I tried to follow their real timeline, but I haven't really kept up with the boys enough that everything is accurate. It stretches from mid December 2015 and on though, just so we're clear!
> 
> Hope you enjoy x

When Seungri comes out of the closet Jiyong is baffled to the point of speechlessness. Youngbae and Daesung leave the room and the deafening silence continues even after the slam of the door. Seungri stands in the corner of the kitchen, arms crossed and it’s obvious how he’d do anything to disappear right at that moment. 

“I don’t want to feel like I need to say sorry for this, hyung, but if I have to I will”, he says with a slight tremble to his voice and eyes which refuse to meet Jiyong’s.  
   Jiyong’s brain may soon burst because of how hard it’s working to come up with something to say. Anything. Never in a million years would he disapprove of something like this, but with all their recent scandals Jiyong can’t help but to feel both anxiety and stress wash over him. 

“But, Seungri-yah, the model?”, the words leave his lips without permission and he shuts his eyes hard with regret. When he opens them again and looks up at his magnae, he doesn’t quite sense anger on the younger’s face but maybe something close like frustration instead.   
   It’s true though. Seungri was recently involved in a scandal with a Japanese model - a Japanese _female_ model.

“Hyung, all I’m asking is for you to not hate me. I’m not ready to explain myself yet”, the frustration is somewhat gone and Jiyong can now see how scared the man before him is. He lunges forward and cradles Seungri in his arms. 

 

 

That night as Jiyong lies in his bed, all sorts of thoughts and scenarios fill up his mind. Most of them are quite horrifying. Korea is not even close to accepting this kind of thing and especially not from public figures. 

He will have to talk to the members and the agency tomorrow. Ask the members to please not leak this. Ask the agency to please come up with some sort of backup plan, if leakage becomes a problem.

It’s almost year 2016 and Jiyong hates that sexuality is still a problem.

 

 

It’s a couple of weeks later when the grainy photos starts leaking. They are apparently supposed to be of Seungri and another man. It only slightly resembles this if you squint, but nevertheless it’s a problem. The media goes absolutely crazy, because at this point no scandal is impossible if it involves Big Bang.

Jiyong yells at his members, even Seunghyun, trying to understand who would do this, if they are the only ones who know. They all deny having done it and Jiyong is scared because if they didn't do it, then someone else must know about Seungri. Jiyong feels their recently regained respect and acceptance slip between his fingers like water. Drip drip dripping into the sea in risk of never coming back. 

Have they had too many chances? Have they been forgiven too many times? Will they really face the possibility of disbandment because of this issue which really shouldn’t be an issue to begin with? Jiyong cries tears of frustration into his pillow that night, until someone knocks softly on his front door. 

Seungri stands on his doorstep looking the worst Jiyong’s ever seen him. He smells of beer and something stronger, his pupils are deluded and his button up is buttoned clumsily. He’s barely able to walk in a straight line to Jiyong’s sofa, even with Jiyong leading him and Jiyong’s heart hurts.

“Hyung I tried to be with her, but I can’t! I can’t do it, hyung”, Seungri’s voice is panicked and he’s hard to make sense of as his tongue won’t cooperate. Jiyong is aware that Seungri goes to drink when he’s having a hard time, but the drugs which are evident in his eyes is definitely something new. 

Seungri’s breathing is rigged and his eyes are red from holding back tears. Jiyong’s heart breaks. “Were you with someone tonight?”, he asks as calmly as he can and his magnae’s tears finally spill. Right now, Jiyong tells himself, is not the time to worry whether another drug scandal will surface or whether someone managed to snap photos of Seungri with a girl. Right now it’s time to take care of his youngest member, so he brushes away the falling tears and hugs him as tight as possible.

 

 

Jiyong learns later that night, that Seungri leaked the first batch of photos to the press himself and Jiyong’s heart feels a bit less troubled.  
   “But why, Seungri-yah?”, he asks.

“I hoped you would just give up on me then. Kick me out, please, I don’t deserve to stand alongside you, my hyungs, on stage anymore.”

 

 

Jiyong invites Seunghyun over the following morning, as Seungri is in the shower washing off the night before.

It’s because neither Youngbae or Daesung have spoken to Seungri since his confession that Seungri doesn’t think he deserves his spot in Big Bang any longer. Jiyong knows he can’t change the minds of anybody, so he decides to wait and see whether Youngbae and Daesung will come to terms with the news or not, and then take it from there on.

Seunghyun takes it even better than Jiyong, though, which is a big relief both to Jiyong but also Seungri.   
  “I’m a man who has never considered getting married myself, so why would I judge someone else, especially my precious dongsaeng, on their preference in love?”, is all he has to say on the matter and it’s the first smile Jiyong sees on Seungri’s face for a long time. 

The three of them lounges on the sofa in Jiyong’s livingroom for the next couple of hours and Seunghyun makes sure to pamper Seungri to rid him of his massive hangover. 

 

 

“This doesn’t change who you are, Seungri-yah!”, Jiyong exclaims at his magnae over the phone one evening, when Seungri calls anxiety ridden and unable to sleep. 

“Doesn’t it, hyung? Now that I don’t have to hide this part of myself anymore, some change must be inevitable, won’t it?”, Seungri answers after Jiyong’s begged him to come stay with him. Jiyong doesn’t like the thought of Seungri all alone in his apartment, and he really doesn’t mind the company as well as the chance to sort out some of his dongsaeng’s many dark thoughts. 

They sit in Jiyong’s livingroom each nursing a beer, and Jiyong decides to continue their conversation from on the phone.

“You changing is only for the better and I’m sure..”, Jiyong stops himself. He’s about to mention Daesung and Youngbae, but decides to avoid bringing them up just yet. “I’m sure we will find a way to work around this publicly, without interfering with your private life. You won’t live without love, I promise you that”, he watches tears fall from Seungri’s eyes yet again.   
   “Come, let’s sleep”, he says and proceeds on to the bedroom, but stops as Seungri doesn’t follow. Jiyong’s heart squirms in his chest. “Please come here, Seungri-yah”, he whispers and the younger boy meets his eyes. Jiyong stretches his hand towards Seungri and he hesitatingly stands from the sofa. He’s unable to make eye contact again.

Seungri makes sure to keep on his shirt and lies as far from Jiyong on the bed as possible. It depresses Jiyong to no end, because usually they would snuggle up for a bit before falling asleep as they used to back in their old shared apartments. Seungri always did it because he felt lonely, and Jiyong is sure that now, in this very moment, Seungri is lonelier than ever. So Jiyong tries tugging at the younger’s shirt, but to no avail. He sighs and moves closer, so Seungri’s back is flush against his chest and Jiyong feels how he tenses immediately. 

“Please tell me this is okay”, Jiyong whispers.

“This doesn’t change who you are to me”, Jiyong whispers.

 

 

MADE tour has begun it’s last leg and for the first time Big Bang all see each other again. The tension in the air, as they all sit backstage at the venue, is thick, but other than that it’s only Seungri who’s acting strangely. Everybody else have apparently decided on completely forgetting about all that happened doing their break, and Jiyong is not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing. 

Seunghyun chats happily with Daesung as they get their hair styled, and Youngbae sits down next to Jiyong and asks him about a few changes he wants to make during his solo tonight.   
   When they dine around the table, Seungri has pressed himself down in the very corner of the sofa, making himself as small as he’ll get. Seunghyun is next to him, and drapes an arm over the back of the couch, inviting Seungri to relax, but their magnae seems unable to do so.

As they stand on stage behind their cover, just about to open the concert, Seungri turns to Jiyong: “I was with the Japanese model because I thought, maybe, she could heal me. Maybe if I were with her, I wouldn’t be like this anymore. She leaked everything because I couldn’t go through with it”, and Jiyong doesn’t have time to respond, before Bang Bang Bang starts blasting out of the speakers.

Jiyong makes sure to act as normal as possible whilst on stage. If that entails trying to kiss Seungri numerous times he doesn’t care, because he hopes Seungri will maybe gain back a bit of the feeling of acceptance. It feels like they’ve gone ten years back in time. 

Jiyong notes how shaky Seungri’s voice is, and how it cracks a few times more than usual, but he also notices how lovely and soft his it is as always, and that makes him relax. It assures him that this ordeal is only that. A short period they just need to pull themselves through in order to go back to normal.  
   Seungri is still Seungri. He’s still the slightly-taller-than-Jiyong-magnae whose dance moves are always on point, broad shoulders and strong thighs, and the best smile in the world. Seungri may not be his usual self at all, with the gags and the aegyo as well as the cheekiness, during this concert, but Jiyong swears to himself that he’ll make all of that come back too one day.

 

 

“For how long have you kept this to yourself?”, Jiyong asks Seungri as they lie in Jiyong’s bed. Seungri’s hair is slightly damp and he looks fresh and new from the shower. 

“Does it matter, hyung? I’ve always been like this”, Seungri has a point Jiyong thinks. He just wishes he’d known before. He wishes Seungri would have told him before he’d told anyone else. “You don’t have to do this, you know. Just because you’re leader, you shouldn’t have to skip our afterparty because one member doesn’t want to come”, and Jiyong hates when Seungri blames himself.

“I don’t want to go, if you’re not there, Seungri-yah. Not these days.”

They fall asleep separately, but Jiyong wakes up with his nose pressed into Seungri’s now dry hair. He inhales the familiar scent and smiles. In these early hours it’s easy to pretend that they’re back in their Tokyo apartment - Jiyong pretends that everything is okay. That his magnae isn’t going through his roughest patch yet. That this isn’t something completely out of his hands.

“Hyung..”, a whimper startles Jiyong, which in return makes Seungri sit up in bed, fast as lightning. Jiyong looks up at him noticing how his eyes are puffy from sleep and half his face covered in creases from his pillow. He looks well-rested if it wasn’t for the confused look in his eyes.

“It’s okay, Seungri-yah, it’s only me”, Jiyong tries. He watches Seungri finger the hem of his shirt.

“You shouldn’t do this, hyung”, is all he replies. Ten minutes later he’s left the apartment.

 

 

The first time Seungri decides to attend an afterparty he just sits in a corner, sipping a rum and coke. He’s so far from his usual clubbing persona who would be downing champagne and out on the dance floor, having the time of his life.  
   Jiyong tries to get him to dance, but without luck. Seungri leaves with his manager an hour into the party.

The second time Seungri tags along he disappears out on the dance floor. Half an hour later Youngbae comes back to their table looking quite baffled. Seunghyun is quick to ask if Youngbae is okay, but before he has the chance to answer, Daesung comes stumbling up the stairs exclaiming: “Is this a fucking joke?!” 

Afterwards, Jiyong is in a hurry to search for their youngest on the dance floor. His head is spinning, but he quickly spots Seungri grinding up against some girl. Her hair is bleached and she’s wearing the tiniest skirt Jiyong’s ever laid eyes on. Seungri’s hands are only just moving to cup her butt before Jiyong decides to interfere. 

Through the flashing lights and sweaty crowd of the dance floor, he drags Seungri back to their table and pushes him down to sit on the couch in their VIP booth.  
   “Seungri you have to stop!”, he yells, just about screams, at his dongsaeng, “are you crazy?! Stop forcing yourself into these situations, it’s not gonna fix you! There is nothing to fucking fix, you hear me?!”, Seungri looks shocked. As Jiyong looks around himself, after noticing the strange silence which has taken over the room, he sees the same shock mirrored on all his members’ faces.  
   Sudden anger, which is not based on grief for Seungri, takes over his body. His eyes shoot daggers at Daesung and Youngbae. “How can you live with yourselves? Do you actually want for Seungri to be the victim of another sex-scandal?!”, are his last words, before he rushes out of the club.

Of course Daesung catches up with him just outside, and Jiyong turns around to face the man before him. He feels impatient, he feels betrayed on behalf of Seungri and if he’s honest he doesn’t want to hear what Daesung says until he of course opens his mouth: “I could never hate Seungri for who he loves, hyung. Such hatred is not in me, but unfortunately I am capable of fear”, the words sound like they’ve been reevaluated over and over again inside Daesung’s mind, like maybe he’s chanted them too many times, and Jiyong starts to understand, “I don’t want anything bad to happen to us anymore and I especially don’t want anything bad to happen to Seungri. Whether it being because of the media or..”, his voice is unsteady, “because of violent antis having finally found a reason to act on their hatred.”

 

 

Youngbae being Youngbae has not overcome whatever issues he’s got with Seungri’s sexuality, but after three months everyone else have come to terms with it. Even Seungri himself, which is major improvement in itself. He stops calling Jiyong at night, and Jiyong is no longer worried sick if he doesn’t. He sits like he belongs at the table they’re eating at and he meets the eyes of whomever he’s at conversation with again. Jiyong’s heart feels almost completely purged of anxiety.

He doesn’t let himself think about how all problems in life are nothing compared to how he feels when Seungri is not well. 

 

 

Jiyong feels his creativity returning with full force one morning as he wakes up and his room is bathing in the morning sun. He often has periods of writers block, as well as periods where he suddenly needs to write five songs a day in order to stay sane and not drown inside his own mind.

Everybody knows him for his often dark and captivating lyrics, but this time as he sits down with his pen and paper, the words he scribbles on his paper are all of stunning smiles, long nights and a promise of a brighter future.

 

I’m going to keep you safe,

here beneath my exploring hands

One night extends to whole lives

And I wish for another world,

in which you are mine

 

Jiyong crumbles up the paper and stares out the window. This can’t be right. He never feels inspired to write about pure love, it’s just not something he does very well. Even if that verse has some darker underlying topics, he can’t identify with the overall feel of it. Because when he falls in love, or when he feels so strongly for somebody, those feelings usually vanish before he has time to shape them into words.  
   He sits for a long time without moving, trying to sort out his head, then suddenly grabs his pen again.

 

He’s lost,

but found himself in you

You who don’t feel sure,

but hope with all your heart

that he’s here to fix you

 

It’s for Seungri. Jiyong realizes this as he’s read it over and over. Again and again. The feelings are not his, but someone else’s - a someone else who Jiyong hopes with all his heart that Seungri will meet someday. A man who, unlike any other woman their magnae has ever been with, will love and cherish Seungri and finally make him feel comfortable in his own skin.

 

 

The last afterparty after their finale in Seoul takes place in yet another nightclub in Gangnam. Everyone’s drunk out of their minds and Jiyong finds himself cracking up, as he watches Seunghyun reenact Yang Hyunsuk’s praising words, from earlier that night.

The tour has been amazing and Jiyong is over the moon that they’ve managed to stitch themselves back up, after Seungri’s confession. He firmly believes that such episodes of hardship will always only make them an even stronger team. They will split up now, for a while, as Jiyong will work on a comeback, Daesung will stay in Japan and Seunghyun will act in another film. Youngbae, Jiyong is sure, will stay in the studio with him for the most part, as he’s planning to feature himself on one or two tracks.  
   Seungri.. well Jiyong is not really sure what their youngest is planning, and he immediately feels the need to know. He’s so used to the leaderrole now, that not knowing every single thing his members are up to at all times makes him uncomfortable. 

Spotting Seungri at the bar, talking to someone Jiyong doesn’t recognize, he starts making his way towards them. And, of course, as he’s just about there, the man grabs Seungri’s hands and starts leading him towards somewhere else.

 

 

He decides that his song for Seungri is going to be his next single. It’s a choice between that and some dance track he threw together over the course of a few hours, and though it’s catchy he knows that Seungri’s song is so much more important.

Jiyong names it _Afternoon_ courtesy of the afternoon in which Seungri decided to be the bravest version of himself, and share with his brothers how he couldn’t find it in him to fall in love with women.

_“The woman I brought home that last time we went out”, he’d started and Jiyong could have sworn Seungri was about to confess to knocking her up or something. He’d taken a deep, shaky breath before continuing: “She wasn’t..”, deafening silence, “I mean, I of course knew that she wasn’t”, he tried to explain, but none of them seemed to catch on._

_“She wasn’t what, Seungri-yah?”, Jiyong asked._

_“A woman, hyung”, Seungri had all but whispered, gaze fixated on the floor._

It’s not a rap song, but instead something along the lines of _That xx_ and it’s exactly how Jiyong wished it’d turn out back when he’d first started composing it. When Jiyong raps he feels powerful, portraying feelings of anger or confidence, but when he sings he feels vulnerable. It’s through song he hopes Seungri will get the message; that he’ll never be unloveable regardless of who he turns out to be.

 

 

They attend the QQ music awards in march and win four awards, which Jiyong is very grateful for and he knows his members are so too. They haven’t seen much of each other recently, with their busy individual schedules and such, unless they’ve been on stage together at their fan meetings in China.   
   Getting drunk on champagne at such events are what they do best, so naturally by the time they are presented to the stage, they all feel a bit woozy. And that is of course when one of them is bound to fuck up. When Seungri refuses to hug the female host and exclaims that it’s because he only likes boys, is when tension once again come upon them like thick fog. 

Youngbae slams Seungri up against the wall when they come backstage. He looks about ready to explode and Jiyong only senses fear in Seungri’s eyes. Daesung goes to split them up, but Jiyong holds him back. He feels like this has to happen in order for Youngbae to move on, and so as Daesung looks at Jiyong with confusion painted on his face, all Jiyong can do is shake his head.  
   “I’m not allowing you to be the one to end Big Bang, do you understand?”, Youngbae snarls at their magnae. His hand is on his dongsaeng’s collar, forcing him to stay put. Seungri doesn’t seem to understand what’s triggered Youngbae’s anger, but Jiyong watches comprehension dawn on his face as the seconds tick by.  
   “Hyung I was joking!”, he stutters, face red, voice weak as if whatever he says won’t make a difference.   
   “People might not get it, you idiot, not after the photos you leaked!”, Youngbae shoots back. His own face is growing red too, only centimeters from Seungri’s. It’s such a rare occurrence that he gets this mad, and Jiyong has to admit it’s quite frightening.   
   “Please hyung”, Seungri begs, “please don’t hate me”, and at that Youngbae’s fist collides with his jaw. Seunghyun is quickly at Seungri’s side, picking him up from where he stumbled to the ground from the blow.   
   “I could never”, is all Youngbae says before fleeing the backstage area.

 

 

Jiyong is pleasantly surprised as it seems that Youngbae and Seungri reaches some mutual agreement to not talk about their fight at all, and they seem to be back to normal too, as far as normal goes in their situation.   
   He hasn’t seen anyone but Youngbae privately, for a couple of weeks, but it’s a Tuesday  in april when Seungri stops by the studio, knocking on the door before entering. For that, Jiyong is grateful, because he really hates being interrupted without at least knowing someone’s about to do so. He smiles up at his magnae and notes how nice he looks. His hair is back to brown, and he’s wearing ripped jeans and a simple white t-shirt. 

“Hey magnae”, he says and Seungri smiles at him, “it’s been a while, I wanna play you something.”

“It’s your new single?”, Seungri asks looking genuinely interested. Which, to be honest, Jiyong knows Seungri well enough to know that he wouldn’t not be interested in Jiyong’s music. He always liked the younger’s enthusiasm.  
   He presses play and the sound of piano immediately fills the room, “sit, please”, Jiyong pats the chair next to himself and watches Seungri wiggle out of his jacket, making himself comfortable. 

‘You may never realize,

but to him you’re perfect’, are the last words Jiyong sings in the song. People will assume it’s just another of his breakup songs, and that’s how he wants it to be. 

“It’s a song that doesn’t have to stand out to my audience”, Jiyong explains and looks over at Seungri, “do you like it?”

“I don’t understand? It’s nice but.. I know you have more to offer, hyung”, Seungri looks embarrassed to criticize his song, but Jiyong doesn’t mind.

“It’s something I’ve never done before, though.”

“It’s not, hyung, it’s just a lovesong”, Seungri looks down, “I’m sorry. If you like it, I’m sure people will love it.”

“It’s for you”, Jiyong says softly. He’s skeptical whether Seungri will understand or not. And surely the younger man looks up, wide eyed and searching Jiyong’s face. Jiyong presses play once more and through the whole duration of the song Seungri’s eyes never waver from studying Jiyong.

They go out for dinner afterwards. Jiyong’s treat. They order beef to grill with a side of doenjang jigae to share. It warms them up as the stew always feels like being back home eating their mothers’ cooking. 

“You don’t love me, hyung”, Seungri says as Jiyong’s cutting the meat.

“But someday, someone else will, Seungri-yah. That’s what I’m trying to tell you through this piece of music”, he assembles a lettuce wrap and feeds it to Seungri, then pours them both a shot of soju, “and of course I love you. You’re my favourite after all.”

 

 

Seungri starts seeing someone mid april and Jiyong likes to think _Afternoon_ gave his magnae some sort of encouragement to finally let someone in. It’s not that Seungri announces his relationship, but Jiyong starts noticing how the younger spends more time on his phone texting, and when he one day ventures out to hang out in Seungri’s apartment there are two toothbrushes by the sink.   
   When Jiyong teases Seungri about it one time they all go out to eat, he looks very uncomfortable until Youngbae tells him he’s happy for him, ‘but please do not let him break your heart, or I will hunt him down’. Jiyong hasn’t seen Seungri smile like that since christmas. 

 

 

Promoting his new EP exhausts Jiyong as usual. He doesn’t sleep for five days leading up to his comeback, as he spends three of them filming the music video. Daesung comes to visit him on set with a lunchbox, but other than that he’s completely on his own, save for his production team. Solo means that he wont get to sleep as there are no breaks when filming, because there are no other members who’ll need their own closeup shots.   
   When he’d first debuted he’d thought that with more success would come less hard work, but looking back at that he thinks he should have known himself better than to assume he’d ever not work harder than ever every time he has to. 

When he finally has a day off before going on TV to sing the following day, he blacks out as soon as his head hits the pillows of his massive, soft, kingsized bed.

He’s woken up sooner rather than later, confused out of his own mind, because his magnae is staring down at him.  
     
“How in the world did you get in?”, his voice is rough from sleep, almost non existent, and Seungri sits on his bed.

“Your manager lent me the key”, is the answer. Jiyong feels a little betrayed, but he’s happy to see Seungri nonetheless, “I wanted to wish you good look and congratulations on your comeback, hyung, and I figured you’d be sleeping so I cooked you dinner!”

Sitting at the table half an hour later, Seungri looks way too happy with himself, as Jiyong shovels a big spoonful of kimchi bokkeumbap into his mouth, munching happily, but he can’t find it in himself to make fun of him. Even if it’s simple and cheap, the food is lovely and Jiyong quickly realizes how hungry he’s been the last couple of days.

“Thank you for coming, magnae”, he hopes Seungri can make out his words, as his mouth is full of rice. 

“I want to be there tomorrow too, if you don’t mind?”, Seungri asks, “I want to hear you sing for me.”

 

 

He’s panicking. His heart beats too fast in his chest, and he knows his voice will come out shitty, but he can’t help it. Seungri looks worried where he’s standing on the side of the set, and the VIPs are all shouting at him, asking if Jiyong’s okay. But Jiyong is not. It’s an epiphany he thinks. He sung his song once, looked to the side, caught Seungri’s eyes and the world collapsed around him. Jiyong’s realized that the man in his song, the man who’s supposed to love Seungri, the man Jiyong wishes Seungri will find sometime in his life time, his soulmate, is actually not still a faceless stranger. 

The man might be Jiyong himself.  

And as soon as he hears the ‘cut’, signalling that he’s done recording, he storms out of the studio. Away from his fans, his team, his manager, his friends who came to congratulate him. Away from Seungri and hopefully away from conflicting feelings and a realization that he might love his baby dongsaeng more than he’d ever allow himself to. 

 


	2. The realization

Kwon Jiyong is quite a private person. He likes to be on his own whether it’s at home, on tour or in the studio. He keeps his songs to himself, until someone bugs him enough to let them listen, and he never shares his feelings with anyone.  
   When he was young and had just started training for YG, he was told to write three songs every night before going to bed. It was quite the traumatizing experience every time he went to hand over some of them to Yang Hyunsuk, only to be told that they weren’t actual music material yet. All Jiyong ever wanted was to make his own music, and if his agency didn’t deem him ready yet, he was going to do it on his own. It was those late nights spent alone in his room, making music, that Jiyong learnt to never overshare his creations, because he was scared people would know his ins and outs too well in the end to find his music interesting anymore.

 

Everyone’s tried calling him the last couple of days, but Jiyong has no plans of answering. He’s absolutely sure that this might be his worst comeback to date, having to stand on stage everyday whilst he’s having what feels like an actual mental breakdown. Fans notice how he’s less cheerful than ever and how he seems to only stay on the music shows for no longer than what he absolutely must endure. And they’re right, Jiyong thinks, because every time he sings _Afternoon_ he wants to run and hide.  
   Which is what he’s doing now, hiding away in his bed, until he has to go out for more promotions.

He doesn’t want to have sex with Seungri. It’s not like he’s ever looked at the other man and thought of him like that, and he still can’t imagine doing anything remotely R rated with him. His heart doesn’t flutter in his chest, either, when he thinks of him, which is usually what it seems to be doing when Jiyong loves a woman. He’s a hundred percent positive that he’s at least not having some kind of gay epiphany. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with sexuality.  
   But when he’s on stage singing the song, he’s not singing it for Seungri. He’s singing every single word _to_ Seungri. He realized that as he’d glanced at the younger during his comeback stage five days ago. It wasn’t like he’d just realized then, that he might love him. The world hadn’t suddenly turned pink with love hearts floating in the air, Jiyong realizing that Seungri is the only one for him. No. It was more like Jiyong had suddenly felt a piece settle inside him. Like getting a new tattoo: something entirely new which feels like it’s belonged to him all his life already - only now surfacing. It’s like a part of Seungri is suddenly trapped inside of him, and it’s not a bad kind of trapped. Trapped as in finally home. Like Jiyong’s heart is laughing at him, because why did he never realize that his relationship with Seungri goes deeper than hyung and dongsaeng? It feels very very natural to Jiyong, like he’s been waiting for this to happen. And that’s what’s so scary.

His biggest problem, though, is to keep this newfound information from Seungri. He’ll have to act completely normal around his magnae, which would be totally easy if Jiyong didn’t feel so out of place. Because he’s not going to act on these feelings. He’s sure that’s a recipe of disaster. And he doesn’t really want to either, because even though these are real feelings he’s feeling, he still feels like they’re weird and that they don’t belong in him.

 

Wednesday night, he dreams. It’s of a place much like that in their _Sober_ music video. In the forrest Seunghyun hides in the mist. At least Jiyong thinks it’s Seunghyun. The image of him is not very clear, but Jiyong thinks he can make out his tall, masculine, somewhat stiff form.

 

They have a fan meeting in China again, much to Jiyong’s dismay, as he hasn’t actually spoken to any of the members since before his comeback. He’s in the middle of his promotions, so besides his whole Seungri-crisis, he’s tired and snappy. He tries to sleep on the plane, but he feels his members’ gazes on him, so he’s too uncomfortable to do so. This only stresses him further, because he won’t have time to sleep before after the show, and even then his insomnia will probably have kicked in.

Youngbae, who sits across him, offers him a few couple of snacks during the flight, but other than that none of the others talk to him. Jiyong understands how they might be a bit frightened to approach him, since his mood really took a 180 degree turn alongside his comeback. They know how he is during promotions, so he figures they wouldn’t accept it if he tried to use exhaustion as an excuse of his behavior. So he says nothing. He let’s silence speak for him instead.

Fans flock around them in the airport, and Jiyong’s always loved enthusiastic fans so he smiles at them, and even takes a few photos. Though some may be crazy, he mostly encounters the nice ones, so the good always outweighs the bad. He feels his mood lighten a bit, with the well-known adrenaline in his system, and for the first time in weeks he thinks that, maybe, it’ll all be okay in the end.

 

He dreams the same dream when he finally falls asleep that night. Only this time, there are two people hidden in the fog. It’s Daesung and Youngbae.

 

He wakes suddenly, when the noise of hard pounding on the door to his hotel room reaches his ears. He squints at the harsh sunlight coming from outside, and gets out of bed.  
   “Hyung are you awake?”, it’s Seungri on the other side, and Jiyong hesitates. The other members probably sent him, because of the sole reason that he’s the magnae. It’s nothing personal. Jiyong opens the door, and it’s the first time he’s face to face with the other man, since his stupid epiphany.  
   “You look like shit, hyung”, Jiyong is taken aback by the words, but then remembers who he’s actually talking to. This is typical Seungri, and deep inside Jiyong knows that Seungri has no actual idea what his hyung is going through at the moment. Of course he’s bound to act like he always does.

Jiyong doesn’t expect Seungri to follow him, as he walks back inside his room to put on some clothes, but he does and Jiyong has to force himself to act calm. He doesn’t want Seungri to catch on to the fact that he’s the reason of his weird behavior lately.  
   “We are leaving in ten minutes, so you won’t have time for breakfast.”  “I’m not hungry anyway”, Jiyong answers whilst picking an oversized jumper and pulling it over his head.  
   “You’ve lost weight though”, he feels self conscious when Seungri says this, because was he actually looking at Jiyong without a shirt? Never in a million years would he think he’d feel this awkward around his magnae.  
   “You know that always happens when I’m busy”, he throws on a beanie to cover his messy hair, then turns around to face Seungri.  
   “Have dinner with me, when we come back to Seoul, then, okay hyung?”, Seungri smiles a bit and Jiyong just nods, because what else can he do?

When Youngbae offers to make him ramyeon on the flight back, Jiyong accepts his offer and while he eats he catches their magnae’s eyes and feels sudden peace in mind, as Seungri gives him a thumbs up. Maybe he really isn’t in love with the younger man after all, like he’d thought, maybe he just needs to keep him close, make sure nobody will ever hurt him. He’ll be able to act around Seungri the way he’s always done, only know he’ll have a purpose. Jiyong simply cares too much for their youngest and confused those feelings of brotherly love for romantic love. He feels relieved, having finally sorted out his feelings and he gives Seungri a thumbs up too.

 

But when he dreams that night, the same dream as his last two, the fog has lifted and Seungri stands there as if waiting for Jiyong to spot him. He’s not hiding like the rest of the members - instead he’s lit up by sunlight coming down between the leaves of the trees. He shines, Jiyong notices. As if he stands there for Jiyong’s eyes only. And he’s so beautiful.

 

This is when Jiyong starts noticing all sorts of new things about Seungri. How his shoulders are way broader than Jiyong’s own, his legs muscular and his waist is nonexistent and masculine. Normally, Jiyong only ever looks at people to note what they’re wearing and if their jacket looks amazing it’s more so the jacket itself, and not how good it looks on that particular person. But Seungri’s ripped jeans look good because they show off the hair on his thighs, and his black turtleneck looks good because it shows of his toned pecs.  
   Jiyong feels lucky that he’s always been a very open person, so thinking another man looks sexy or handsome is no new concept to him. The difference now is that it’s not making him jealous, as any other man would, no, he’s actually liking what he’s seeing, like he would a woman in a pair of gorgeous heels.

He’s freaking out because this is _Seungri_. It might as well have been his own baby brother, and it feels so wrong. It’s like he has no control of his thoughts, and if there is something he hates it’s that.  
   But more so, he’s scared shitless, because even if Jiyong is sure he is not gay, it’s still a thing which could potentially end his career. He knows that he’ll never have the privilege to act on his feelings.

 

The first time he sees Seungri’s boyfriend is on the news. He’s browsing the internet one evening when the article pops up, and he feels his stomach churn with anxiety before realizing that the article doesn’t reveal anything about the true nature of their relationship. All it says is how Seungri had gone to Taiwan for a club appearance and brought a ‘childhood friend’.

Jiyong feels bad as soon as the thought crosses his mind, but the thing is that neither of them look gay at all. If there is something Jiyong hates it’s stereotyping, but Seungri and his boyfriend look nothing like lovers. Until he starts noticing little details about them.  
   The man is tall and looks to be a regular at the gym. His brown hair is a little wavy and he’s wearing one of their MADE bomber jackets, which Jiyong is 99 percent sure Seungri must have made him wear. He’s extremely good looking with double lids and perfect skin.  
   Technically Jiyong can’t be sure that this is actually Seungri’s boyfriend, because he’s never seen the guy before, and the photos of them together would look completely innocent if Jiyong didn’t already know that Seungri has a boyfriend. The way Seungri smiles at the other man, as he rests his hand on the small of the magnae’s back, leading him to their gate, is what gives them away though.

 

Youngbae arranges a dinner at his place, and tells all the members to bring a plus one. Jiyong decides to bring Kiko because she’s his best friend and happens to be in Seoul on that day. They hang out all day before having to leave for Youngbae’s, and Jiyong feels all relaxed from having the day off and spending it with her, because, sometimes, she’s the only person in the world who makes him feel completely comfortable. Especially during his busier periods.

They bring Youngbae a housewarming gift as a joke, because he’s made the whole event seem so formal, when in reality they do stuff like this all the time. Seunghyun has of course brought one or two bottles from his own wine collection instead of a date, and is entertaining Kiko whilst Jiyong goes out for a smoke on the balcony. The nights are getting warmer, and he looks more and more forward to the summertime. He spends the next couple of minute imagining going away on holiday, when he hears the commotion that’s now going on inside.  
   It’s Daesung who has arrived with his current girlfriend. Jiyong’s only met her once, so he shakes her hand politely and introduces her to Kiko.

He guesses he should have braised himself beforehand when Seungri arrives with his boyfriend whom he introduces as Choi Sejun. He’s a head taller than Jiyong and also 32 years old, he looks even better in real life and he’s a businessman. He seems almost too good to be true - especially when Jiyong notes how good Seungri looks next to him. How good the two of them look together. Talking about Seungri; the younger looks a little uncomfortable, which Jiyong guesses is understandable. It must be hard trying to act like normal about this after all their drama, but Jiyong hugs him close, tells him it’s nice finally meeting Sejun and hopes the magnae feels a bit better.

It was one thing knowing Seungri is gay, but it’s a whole other thing actually witnessing it in real life. It’s obvious that their youngest is keeping the skinship to a minimum, only allowing himself to glance affectionately at his lover. Jiyong finds that he doesn’t think he’d have a problem even if they acted as much a couple as Daesung and his girlfriend, other than the annoying feeling in the back of his mind wishing that he could replace Sejun with himself.  
   But as the night proceeds and the alcohol flows, Jiyong notices how Seungri relaxes more and more. When Seunghyun proposes a toast to welcome Sejun to the ‘family’, Seungri’s face lights up like the damn sun and Jiyong has to look away.  
   It’s as if that toast was the permission, the acceptance, Seungri needed because when Jiyong returns from the balcony half an hour later, their magnae is hiding his face in Sejun’s neck, laughing at something Daesung must have said. Sejun’s hand is possessively placed on Seungri’s thigh, and they look so intimate.

Jiyong wishes more than anything that he’ll be able to find it in himself to be a hundred percent happy for his dongsaeng, because the way he looks when he’s around Sejun is like he’s always belonged there. It’s like finally coming face to face with the real Seungri. He looks so happy, so much more like himself than ever. He looks whole.

 

In June, his promotions finally end, and Yang Hyunsuk tells him to take some time off, go on holiday somewhere like Europe where not many people will recognize him. So he decides to go to Paris, because he’s quite familiar with the city and he books a lovely hotel close to the Eiffel Tower.

He asks Seungri out for dinner, like Seungri had proposed a while ago, and they meet up for sushi in Itaewon. The younger man’s hair has grown around his ears, and his dark circles are less prominent than usual. They decide to share their food, and Jiyong makes sure to order extra tuna nigiri because he knows they are Seungri’s favorite.

“I’m going away for a few weeks, tomorrow”, Jiyong says and sips his Sapporo beer. Seungri looks up from where he was pouring his own into a glass, looking slightly surprised.  
   “It’s not like you to go on holiday, hyung, it’s weird”, but his words are kind, and Jiyong wishes the other man could come with him.  
   “I’m having a meeting with Karl Lagerfeld, though, so I’ll be working too.”  
   “Don’t be silly, hyung, you and I both know you enjoy fashion too much for it to ever be considered work”, and Jiyong can only nod, because it seems he can’t fool his magnae. Their food arrives, and he busies himself the next few minutes feeding all the tuna nigiri to Seungri. In turn Seungri pours the rest of his own beer into Jiyong’s glass and orders a bottle of soju.  
   “Wouldn’t sake be more fitting, though, Seungri-yah?”, Jiyong asks and the younger just shrugs, a mischievous grin plastered on his face.

“You’re well, aren’t you hyung?”, Seungri asks a while later, as they’ve finished their food and only have a single shot of soju left each.  
   “Don’t worry about me, idiot”, Jiyong answers. He spots a girl snapping photos of them from the other side of the restaurant, and knows they’ll have to leave soon if they want to avoid being mobbed, “I just hope you’re happy, Seungri-yah.”  
   “I am”, Seungri looks down, biting his lip trying to hold back a smile. He looks so young again, like he’d look back when they had been trainees and Jiyong had first started acknowledging him.  
   “And Sejun-ssi is treating you well, too?”, he doesn’t mean to sound like a worried mum, but he can’t help himself.  
   “I think I might love him, hyung”, and though Jiyong’s heart aches at the words, he still lift his last shot of soju and toasts to Seungri and his lover.

 

Going to a bar upon first arriving in Paris, was definitely not on his to-do list, but being alone on a plane for way too many hours must have toyed with his common sense. Clubs in other countries are always different than korean clubs, and Jiyong loves how careless everybody seems to be in Paris. He also loves how only very few people recognizes him.

He dances with a beautiful lady whose name he never picked up, downs shots with some of his Parisian friends and before he realizes it he’s on his way back to his hotel with a male model named Caleb, who is staying at the same place. They stumble up the stairs to their floor, and before Jiyong manages to find his room, he’s being pressed up against a wall, hands on his waist and lips on his.  
   He manages to shove Caleb backwards, and the man before him looks slightly dumbfounded, “what’s up?”, he asks, but Jiyong is too shocked to pierce together any other sentence than: “I don’t like men.”  
   “Sorry, man, I guess I must have misunderstood your signals then”, is all Caleb has to say, and shrugs his shoulders as if it’s nothing. If Jiyong wasn’t used to this kind of situation being extremely scandalous where he’s from, he’s sure he’d be just as cool as Caleb is now. Instead he rushes inside his room and slams the door behind him.

He’s so drunk that the whole room is spinning. He stumbles into the bathroom and turns on the shower, gets in with all his clothes still on and sits on the floor.   He’s completely baffled because what just happened? It already feels like a dream.  
   Getting out of the shower is even more a hassle than getting in had been, and when he finally reaches his bed he pulls out pen a paper and writes.

Jiyong wakes up the next morning completely naked on top of bedsheets stained with ink, and surrounded by crumbled up and torn pieces of paper.

 

The next few days in Paris consists of meetings with Chanel, discussing Jiyong’s participation in the 2017/18 season. It’s nice to focus on something that’s not music-related, so he devotes himself 110 percent to his new fashion projects. Even if this was supposedly a holiday, Jiyong is a work-a-holic by nature, so even if he’s not in meetings or out with friends, he loses himself to his pen and paper even if he tries to avoid it.

He writes angry songs. Sad songs. He writes songs about Seungri. Kiko. Himself. He’s never planning on sharing these new songs and to be honest ninety percent of them end up in the trash anyways. He feels lonely even if he surrounds himself with friends. He misses Korean food and he misses Seoul. Calling Kiko helps a bit, but as soon as they hang up he feels restless. He blows off all his Euros on expensive clothes, art and drinks.

One night he goes on a date with a Chinese girl he’s met a few times before. They have sex on her hotel bed and order room service in form of all sorts of desserts afterwards. Her hair is long and black - messy now - and her eyes are big, lips red, one boob slightly larger than the other. He feeds her the strawberries and eats the cream himself. It’s sweet from the vanilla and it goes well with the taste of strawberry on her tongue, as he kisses her deeply. He leaves as soon as she’s asleep.

 

Youngbae flies out to Paris sometime during Jiyong’s second week there. He looks tired and Jiyong is happy that they both get to spend some time off together. They go sightseeing even if they’ve done it before, eating crepes by the Eiffel Tower and goes to see Mona Lisa at Louvre.

“It’s nice not working for once, is it not, Jiyong-ah?”, Youngbae asks as they sip wine at an expensive restaurant later that night. The city is sparkling outside and Jiyong feels calm for the first time since he arrived, “though I can imagine you’ve still been writing, am I right?”  
   Jiyong shakes his head no. If only Youngbae could read what he’s been writing, he’d lock Jiyong up forever. They are mostly songs about a boy losing his mind because the world is against everything he stands for. How that boy drinks the pain away and sleeps with gorgeous women, when in reality his heart aches for someone with hands so large and arms strong enough to crush him. A mouth against his neck, stubble scratching him, pleasure pooling in his gut.

Jiyong knows Youngbae would never abandon him, but he’s sure his best friend would never allow it if Jiyong were to fall in love with Seungri. Their magnae needs a safe relationship, in which he won’t have to ever hide his feelings. If Seungri were to ever love Jiyong back, they wouldn’t have the chance of a normal relationship, and Youngbae is way too protective of their youngest to not realize this.

“You’re not very talkative tonight, are you?”, he’s pulled away from his thoughts and looks up at his friend.  
   “My thoughts are not ones you would want me to share these days”, and luckily Youngbae knows him well enough to accept this answer.

 

When Jiyong arrives back in Seoul he doesn’t remember much of his last couple of days in Paris. Youngbae had left, and Jiyong has gone out clubbing which had resulted in him never being sober for his last two days of the holiday.  
   The sun is strong in Seoul and the oversized sunglasses he’s wearing does nothing to keep a headache away. It’s unbearably hot and he debates going home where he’ll be able to cool down, instead of going to the studio.

He records five demos that day, and deletes them all. He’s hoarse and hungry by the time it’s 3am and he’s been in the studio for ten hours. But this is what he does best - exhausting himself to the point of passing out, only to work for twice as long as he’s already done.

All five songs are too explicit to ever publish, but for the first time in years he doesn’t do music for anybody but himself, so it doesn’t really matter. He swears and moans and raps about sex on drugs. He sings of self-hatred and betrayal and loneliness. He’s sure he sweats at least two kilos off his body, he smokes two packs of cigarettes and feels so sick in the end that he throws up in a bin.

Then he cries.

He cries for Daesung because he still has troubles sleeping at night.  
He cries for Seunghyun because he still can’t look at himself naked in a mirror, let alone ever expose his body to any other person.  
He cries for Seungri because all Jiyong wanted to do, was help him on the way to self acceptance, but ended up falling in love with him instead.  
But in the end he cries for himself, because he no longer recognizes himself in the mirror. He’s 28 years old - he should know himself by now.

 

Youngbae finds him asleep, face cradled in his arms on the desk in the studio. He looks worried and Jiyong’s natural instinct is to prove that nothing is wrong, though he thinks Youngbae notices his bloodshot eyes.

“I read some of your lyrics, back in Paris”, he tells Jiyong who closes his eyes. Is what he’s feeling shame? He wants to apologize for some reason, but he’s too tired to do so, “when you drink that hard, as I know you did, you realize I’ll start worrying, right?”, Jiyong nods, “just breathe okay, everything will be alright.”

 

He’s told to stay home for two days. He knows Youngbae is furious with him for being so careless, but in the end his minor breakdown helped him get rid of some of all his feelings, so he’s not sad that it happened, just ashamed that someone had to find him like that.  
   Daesung comes over and cooks dinner the first night, which is nice. His dongsaeng does most of the talking. They watch a few episodes of some historical drama Jiyong’s missed out on whilst on holiday, but other than that they don’t really do anything. Maybe Daesung thinks Jiyong went crazy because of work, which honestly would not be anything new, and Jiyong thinks that’s probably for the best. He’s planning on keeping this newfound part of himself as far away from the members as possible.

Seunghyun, though, doesn’t hesitate to tell Jiyong how much of an idiot he is: “I swear sometimes I’m actually scared for your life. How come you can’t seem to ever take care of yourself?”, Jiyong doesn’t answer. He knows Seunghyun speaks from his heart, “you act like a damn child!”  
   He’s visiting the night before they have to record a new Running Man episode. They all love participating in the show, so Jiyong isn’t too worried. Even if filming takes more hours than what should be humanly possible, it’s never too bad because they always have quite a lot of fun.

 

He’d worried quite a lot through the night about all of them reuniting again, because even if they are basically family, they have gone through enough hardships to all feel a little too self-conscious on camera. Jiyong always worries whether or not they’ll come out seeming too uncomfortable.

He also can’t stop the constant nagging in the back of his mind and it’s driving him absolutely crazy. Because he’ll finally get to see Seungri again. Which is something he’s definitely not admitting to being frightened about, but he is. He worries that he’ll scare his magnae away. How he could possibly, he doesn’t know.

 

It turns out he needn’t have worried, because the first thing their magnae does when he sees Jiyong, is hold him tight. With absolutely no space between them, Jiyong can smell the other man’s musky smell, and feel his stubble against his own cheek, feel the muscles in his back, Seungri’s hands on his own.

This is when he admits it for the first time. This is when he’s absolutely certain that he loves another man.

 


	3. The middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended for this to be three chapters long, but I, for some reason, couldn't seem to end this just yet. So much was to happen - so much still is. 
> 
> I wrote this chapter a lot quicker than the last one though, so that's always a nice thing, isn't it?
> 
> Anyways, comments and kudos and all that jazz is happily accepted and with that I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

One thing Jiyong definitely doesn’t enjoy about his career is how his popularity means he gets the most screen time out of everyone in Big Bang. He never understood why the cameras are never more interested in Seungri, who is always so funny and does variety like he was born to do it, or Daesung who has no shame and does whatever he can to crack everyone up, even if that means he’ll look ridiculous.  
   No Jiyong is way too reserved and self-conscious to be like them. He feels too awkward when ten cameras are pointing at him, and too pressured to say something funny that it never seems natural. The MCs always make him seem admirable and cool, but in reality Jiyong just feels a bit silly.

They have been filming Running Man for seven hours and they finally get to sit down and eat. Though the cameras are still rolling it’s comfortable and Jiyong makes sure to stuff his face to the best of his abilities, because he knows he’ll need the energy for later.  
   “Hey Seungri-ssi are you still the biggest player in Gangnam?”, Jaesuk asks across the table, and Jiyong looks up from his food just in time to see Seungri visibly flinch at the question. The thing is that since Big Bang is quite a private group, MCs always make fun of the same few things they think they know about them.  
   Seungri laughs awkwardly: “Ah hyung”, he retorts playfully, obviously hoping a bit of aegyo will save him from this situation.  
   “Did you see he went to visit Taiwan with a friend recently, oppa”, Jihyo peeps up, “he’s very handsome isn’t he, Seungri-ssi”, and whilst Gary jokingly pretends he’s jealous that Jihyo thinks so, Seungri’s blushing feverishly, which Jongkook of course notices, to Jiyong’s horror.  
   “Hey look at Seungri’s face!”, he shouts over the commotion and everyone laughs hysterically. Jiyong is the only one who notices how Seungri’s shaking hand curls up into a fist beneath the table.

 

While they are all picked up by their managers by the time filming has finished, Seungri is picked up by his boyfriend. Their magnae looks like he can’t leave quick enough, even if he does tell the Running Man crew a polite goodbye.

Seunghyun proposes that he and Jiyong go out for a few drinks, which Jiyong really doesn’t feel up to, so they end up going to Seunghyun’s house instead. They change out of their clothes and into pajamas, makes tea and each grab a slice of some chocolatey cake Seunghyun has in his fridge. Sprawled out on several duvets on the floor of the living room, Jiyong jokes that they look like two american teenage girls having a sleepover. They’ve both put their phones away to gear down a hundred percent. Jiyong has always loved Seunghyun’s calm presence in his life - they’ve known each other for so long that Jiyong sometimes forgets that his hyung is actually not his brother by blood.

Jiyong’s had enough of writing down songs lately, so instead they lie on their backs, each taking turns free styling a verse, trying to come up with ideas. They are quite silly songs, because they’re both lunatics when they’re overworked. He’s tired enough to sleep a lifetime, Jiyong thinks, but knows he won’t be able to for at least a few more hours.

 

He doesn’t mean to check his phone, but as he’s leaving the bathroom some time later that night - it’s actually around six in the morning - he hears his phone buzz in the pocket of his jacket.  
   He checks it without further thought, and realizes he’s missed five calls from Seungri, the first being an hour ago. Jiyong frowns and quickly calls back. It beeps once and then: “Hyung”, Seungri sounds upset.  
   “You okay?”, Jiyong asks feeling curious as to why in the world he’s decided to reach out to him.  
   “Yes, but there’s been an accident, and I have nowhere to go. Ple-…”  
   “What do you mean by accident?”, Jiyong accidentally cuts the younger off.  
   “Someone broke into my apartment again, so I’m calling to ask if I could maybe come stay at your place. I figured you were probably the only one awake at this hour, hyung”, he luckily doesn’t sound panicked, just tired, like he’s been through this one too many times already. Which Jiyong guesses he probably has, since fans unfortunately always seem to target Seungri for some odd reason.  
   “I’m at Seunghyun’s place, but I can go home if you want?”, Jiyong will wait to ask more questions till he’s actually with the magnae.  
   “Would you really? I really don’t want to be a bother”, but Jiyong hangs up and texts Seungri to be there in half an hour.

 

“I’m really sorry, hyung, but Sejun had to leave for a business trip an hour ago, so I couldn’t stay at his. We went out to eat after filming, that’s why I..”, he pauses looking slightly embarrassed, “I mean.. that’s why we weren’t home when it happened.”  
   Jiyong gets all sorts of scenarios in his mind, when Seungri says it like that. He imagines some sasaeng fan discovering Seungri in bed with another man. He closes his eyes tightly, trying to get the image out of his head.

It’s stuck though, and it sticks with him the rest of the morning. He imagines Seungri’s sex-hazed eyes, his firm torso against another man’s, how his moans may sound like, how he may look as he comes.

Jiyong looks at Seungri who has finally fallen asleep on the couch, probably worn out from not only the crazy work hours, but also from the fact that he could have easily been found out if he’d went home straight after Running Man.  
   He then imagines how it must feel to wake up next to Seungri after having had sex - not that they have never slept in the same bed, so Jiyong’s at least got a bit of an idea - their naked bodies tangled together, the smell of sex and sweat in the air. Seungri would probably turn his back to Jiyong, then, like he’s always done in the past, bare back exposed to the morning sun, delicious muscles relaxing as soon as he’d found himself comfortable in his new position.

He shakes his head violently. He can’t have such thoughts. Not now, not ever. He blames it on the fact that he’s basically in a zombie-like state from lack of sleep and the many activities of Running Man. He sighs shakily, and goes to wake Seungri up so he’ll get to sleep in an actual bed. Jiyong doesn’t want his body to hurt in the morning, but when Seungri doesn’t wake as Jiyong shakes him gently, he decides it’s probably for the best that they don’t sleep in the same bed anyways.

 

An alarm goes off somewhere in a land far away. At least that’s what Jiyong imagines until he realizes it’s coming from his phone on the bedside table. He’s slept three hours only, because he needs to go to the studio today to work on new tracks for some rookie group, and he feels like death.

His apartment in completely silent, except for, Jiyong notices and immediately his eyes fly open, heavy breathing coming from right beside him. Tanned skin, a few freckles and slightly noticeable love handles are the few things he notices first, before it dawns on him that Seungri is on his bed.  
   The duvet rides low on his hips, his back is turned to Jiyong and he’s just sleeping innocently. He must have moved himself from the couch sometime during the few hours Jiyong was asleep.  
   Jiyong also notices how a bit of his magnae’s armpit hair sticks out from under his arms, and how the rest of his back is covered in a light layer of feathery fuzz as well. This, Jiyong thinks, is how it feels to wake up next to another man. Another man he definitely does not think of as a friend only, that is. If the morning boner he’s sporting is any evidence that he doesn’t mind at all, he’s not going to deny it.

Though in the shower he wills himself to relax, because no, he’s not going to do anything R rated whilst thinking of freaking Lee Seunghyun.

Before he leaves, he puts a few things Seungri likes to eat on display, even though he knows the younger would never hesitate to roam the kitchen alone. He also writes a little note, telling Seungri to feel at home and that he can stay for however long he’d like. Jiyong doesn’t know when he’ll be home though, so he just writes that he’ll be in the studio, if Seungri needs him.  
   He can’t help but cringe a bit at himself, but quickly gets over it. This is nothing compared to how he’s acted towards his past girlfriends. He filled a car with balloons once, for God’s sake.

In the end, he has to remind himself that he’s actually not in a relationship with Seungri. He curses at himself.

 

Seungri texts Jiyong assuring him he’ll be okay to go home that same night, and that he needs to check that nothing too important has been stolen. Jiyong is secretly a bit disappointed that they won’t get to spend a bit more time with each other, but he pushes it all to the back of his mind, and focuses on work instead. Since that’s usually how he copes with life, it’s not hard for him at all. That is until he receives a text from Yang Hyunsuk.

 

He doesn’t think he’s ever driven faster, than he does when he rushes back home ten minutes later. He runs up all the stairs, and is so clammy when he reaches his apartment that his shirt sticks to his back. He’s pretty sure it’s soaked. He tries to catch his breath as he unlocks his door: “Seungri!”, he yells into his apartment.

He finds the other man in the bathroom. It’s obvious he’s been sick into the toilet, and has now sunk to the floor, face pale and hands shaking. Jiyong quickly fixes him a glass of water, before sitting down as well.  
   He doesn’t know what to do in that exact moment. He’s not sure what Seungri needs right now: “Seungri-yah”, he whispers.

“It’s over, hyung”, the younger man before him chokes out. It’s obvious he wants to cry, but doesn’t let himself do so.  
   “Let’s not talk about that right now, okay?”, Jiyong tries and watches Seungri’s face carefully. It displays the mess of thoughts which must be going through him right now, “just tell me what to do, right now, in this very second”, he speaks gently.

The papers have received photos from the sasaeng fan who broke into Seungri’s apartment. Hyunsuk’s text explained that it’s unclear how they are going to spin the story, but whether it’s with a woman or a man, the whole of Korea will soon know Seungri’s in a relationship. Apparently it’s evident on the photos that someone frequently stays with Seungri, and Jiyong’s mind wanders back to the two toothbrushes in the bathroom.

“I can’t continue being with him any longer, can I?”, it’s not a question but a statement. Jiyong’s heart breaks with every word.  
   “Don’t say that yet”, Jiyong tries, but Seungri looks up for the first time and his eyes shoot daggers at him.

Jiyong just wants to hold Seungri like he always does, when the younger is upset, so he tugs at the t-shirt the other is wearing and ends up having to physically force him into his arms.  
   They’re quiet like that for a long time. Seungri leaning sideways into Jiyong’s chest, sitting between his legs as Jiyong buries his nose in Seungri’s hair. The magnae plays with a few of Jiyong’s rings, which seems to soothe him a bit: “I promise you I’ll do anything I can, even if that means paying them off with my own money, to stop this as much as possible”, he whispers and watches as a single tears slides off Seungri’s cheek and down onto Jiyong’s jeans.

 

When Jiyong wakes the next morning, it’s to the exact same sight as the last. Except this time Seungri is wearing a shirt, though it’s ridden up only to expose the small of his back. Jiyong stares at the patch of skin for a long time, before hesitatingly and slowly reaching out. His fingertips ghosts over it so softly, that all Jiyong actually feels is the small hairs.

A million thoughts are going through his mind during the few seconds he caresses his dongsaeng. He’s so bitter at the world in that very moment, because how dare it take away the happiness of a man who had only just found at least some sort of peace within himself? After having to hide a gigantic part of himself from even his closest, this is the last thing a person like Seungri deserves.  
   The worst part is that Seungri had been right the night before. No matter what, he will have to break up with Sejun. And even if Jiyong has come to terms with the fact that he, himself, also loves Seungri romantically, it still upsets him more than anything that his magnae will lose the one person he’s ever gotten to love freely.  
   He doesn’t even care what happens to Big Bang at this point, in this moment, because all he can think of is how the world will react to these news. Jiyong doubts the papers will spin the story the least damaging way - claiming Seungri’s dating a woman. Because he can’t imagine the photos showing any evidence of female presence in Seungri’s apartment. But if they do spin it like that, their chances of getting over this is almost a hundred percent, because almost all of them have dated at some point. They will only lose a few fans.  
   Jiyong decides not to think about the consequences if it’s leaked that Seungri’s in fact gay.

He returns back to reality at that, deciding not to think too much at all before the story’s out. All he can do for now is hope. He does, however, trail his fingers along Seungri’s soft skin again, this time almost without thought. It feels good to touch him this intimately, finally, after months of subconsciously wanting to do it. It’s July and Jiyong realizes it’s been over six months since Seungri came out of the closet. So much has happened since, but most of it in the span of the last month.

“Hyung”, Jiyong’s fingers tense immediately. He feels like he’s just been caught doing some serious offense, which, to be honest, he's probably not far off. He lies completely still, hand retracted and stilled awkwardly in the air. He holds his breath and watches as Seungri turns around, so he’s facing Jiyong.  
   He looks sleepy and his bags are as dark as they used to be when they were trainees. His eyebrows need a brush through, Jiyong notes, and his beard is starting to show. Jiyong can do nothing but stare, because he’s completely lost for words.

Jiyong is scared as to how Seungri is going to react, catching Jiyong breaking all sorts of boundaries whilst he was still asleep. His heart is hammering in his chest, but his eyes never leave Seungri’s.  
   “Hyung”, Seungri whimpers again and Jiyong witnesses his dongsaeng break all over once more, face crumbling as he leans into his hyungs space. Jiyong opens his arms, ready to hold on tight, hoping that he’s able to hold on to all that is Seungri. He expects the embrace.

But not the hot mouth on his own.

Jiyong doesn’t know at this point if he really might be dumb, but it takes him a bit and some more, before realizing what’s actually happening. Seungri is full on kissing him, taking and taking from Jiyong until Jiyong can do nothing but kiss him back.  
   Seungri holds onto Jiyong so tightly, that Jiyong feels like he’s being smothered. He finds that he doesn’t mind though, and supports the younger man’s neck with his hand, while the other grabs onto the shirt he’s wearing. Seungri’s hands are in Jiyong’s hair, one traveling down to his hip. The touch burns. Jiyong’s body is on fire, Seungri’s body is on fire. They burn together, until the mouth leaves Jiyong’s.

When he opens his eyes he’s met with one of the most erotic sights he’s ever witnessed. Seungri’s eyes are completely black and glossy, lips swollen, face reddened. He’s panting from the intensity of their kiss, and his hair is messier than when he was woken up just five minutes ago.

“Hyung.. I just.. You just.. I just want to feel normal”, he stammers, voice cracking, eyes searching everywhere but Jiyong’s own, “I’m so sorry”, his hands are visibly shaking.  
   Jiyong knows he has to do something, but he’s frozen in his spot beneath the younger. He doesn’t know what Seungri needs from him, why he just kissed him, why he’s apologizing.

Grabbing his hand and pulling Seungri down next to himself, turning his body so they fit perfectly together seems like the best solution in that moment, though, so that’s what Jiyong does. He feels the other’s heartbeat against his own, both are erratic. He places a few kisses on the cheeks, nose and forehead of Seungri’s, and from then on just holds him closer than ever.

 

Learning that what Seungri did, he did out of desperation, kind of breaks Jiyong’s heart a bit. He tells himself that he should have expected something like that to happen, because he knows Seungri well enough to have done so.  
   The thing is that his dongsaeng has always been so desperate for acceptance ever since they first met those many years ago. It’s therefore only natural instinct for him, to have sought that in Jiyong as the world collapsed around him.

When the photos are leaked and all talk the first couple of days after, is about who Seungri of Big Bang’s girlfriend may be, Jiyong knows that Yang Hyunsuk must have paid massive amounts of money for nobody to suggest how it might be a boyfriend instead.

And Jiyong decides to isolate himself once again. He’s reached a point where too many things have happened too fast - his trip to Paris, the days that followed and then, of course, the kiss. He finds that he simply doesn’t want to cope with life, so he locks himself in the studio and makes music.  
   This time is nothing like the last, luckily. He corporates a bit with some of the guys from Winner, trying to come up with a perfect hook for their next single. It’s a quite casual atmosphere alongside his juniors - alongside people who are not Big Bang - and it helps Jiyong to focus on everything else but his own life.

 

By the time August is just around the corner, Jiyong’s been in the studio for three weeks straight and has only gone home to change his clothes and take showers. This is nothing new to his life, and definitely nothing extreme if he were to compare it to his working hours as a rookie.  
   He hasn’t seen anyone since the beginning of July, when the photos were leaked, and for the first time since all that went down and he hid himself in the studio, he finds himself having to venture out for a schedule. He’s been asked to be the face of some jewelry brand, which he doesn’t mind at all, except for the fact that he needs to bleach his hair completely. It’s nothing new either, but it always stings a bit and takes forever.

He falls asleep at the hairdresser’s, which gives him back some energy for the shoot, which ends up taking five hours total. That’s not bad at all and leaves him in such a good mood that he invites Youngbae out for dinner.

 

“I’ve known you for so many years now, so I’m sure I should be used to this, but it still annoys me to no end, when you drop off the face of the earth like that”, is the first thing Jiyong’s best friend speaks, as they’ve sat down in the restaurant. He doesn’t even comment on Jiyong’s blindingly white hair, which he’s without luck tried to hide under an oversized beanie.

Jiyong just rolls his eyes and picks up a menu, “well you should at least know where to find me, if you really want to talk to me that bad”, he really can’t help the words escaping his mouth. They hang in the air whilst neither of them dare to move.  
   “So you’re going to be like this?”, Youngbae doesn’t sound too aggravated and Jiyong looks him in the eyes before shaking his head. No. He doesn’t want to fight when there is nothing to fight over.

“I don’t mean to just disappear, you know that, don’t you?”, and Youngbae nods.

Life had caught up with Jiyong back in 2014 and he’d been depressed for months. He’d written fifty potential songs for their MADE series by the time he pulled himself out of it. Jiyong knows that Youngbae is only looking out for him, so he decides to be appreciative instead of childish.

They eat in silence for a while. Jiyong had ordered naengmyeon since today had been unbearably hot and across from him Youngbae’s eating some sort of seafood dish. Jiyong’s back aches from standing up for five hours straight, so he really can’t wait to get home where he knows he’ll have easy access to heat-packs.  
   “Both Daesung and Seungri broke up with their partners”, Youngbae informs Jiyong.  
   “Oh..”, is all Jiyong can think to say at first, “why is that?”  
   “Well you know how Daesung is and well.. Seungri was because of the tabloids, but apparently Sejun-ssi agreed easily”, this catches Jiyong’s interest in no time, “Seungri told me Sejun-ssi had said he’d been contemplating it anyways, because it’s too much of a risk to take for both of them. Work wise, you know.”

Jiyong itches to know if their youngest is okay, but can’t find it in himself to ask. He feels quite bad having just ignored the few calls he’d received from Seungri, but he decides to not dwell over something he can’t change now.

 

Whether he wants to or not, Jiyong often finds himself contemplating why he feels what he feels for Seungri. It’s not that they see each other often, and they are not as close as Jiyong and Youngbae are. At first Jiyong thinks it must have always been a part of him - loving the other - but the more he thinks about it, the less it seems likely. Maybe it’s because Seungri’s coming out actually made it a possibility for them to grow into something more, but Jiyong discards that thought too.

In the end he decides that he doesn’t need an explanation at all. He simply loves Seungri because he does.

 

In August they fly to America for a photoshoot and a fan meeting. They each fly out on different days, so it’s only at the actual shoot they all reunite for the first time since late June. Not that they’ve never gone longer without each other, but time always flies until it doesn’t anymore and they all realize just how long one month can feel.  
   During their trainee and rookie days they were together almost 24/7, so when they’d first started doing solo-activities it had felt really weird. Jiyong thinks it’d be the exact opposite now - he can’t imagine living together anymore.

Seunghyun is in one of his silly moods, stealing all the attention, which Jiyong doesn’t mind at all. This only means he can stare at Seungri getting his picture taking without anyone disturbing or noticing him. It seems their stylists have gone for a softer look on him today. Jiyong loves the smudged eyeliner on the magnae’s eyelids, as well as how they’ve styled his hair in waves. He’s in an oversized kaki sweater and denim jeans which cut off at his ankles. One thing which is especially sexy about Seungri, is how he just seems strong. Even his ankles seem extra sturdy compared to other kinds of ankles. Jiyong snorts out a laugh at his own thoughts.  
   “I’m seriously going crazy”, he mumbles to himself.

 

“Hyung”, Seungri’s voice comes from behind Jiyong, who turns around and sees the other man sitting where he himself sat before. He walks to sit on the other chair.  
   “How come it seems you always start our conversations with that word?”, Jiyong asks, mostly because he doesn’t know what to say at all. Seungri just looks down and lets out a tiny laugh. He looks somewhat relieved.  
   “It’s been a while..”, he trails off and now it’s Jiyong’s turn to laugh because the whole situation is just awkward.  
   “Youngbae told me about Sejun-ssi”, Jiyong decides to address it like this.  
   “Ah.. well..”, Seungri can’t seem to find the right words, and Jiyong is scared for a split second that he’s upset his magnae, “it is what it is”, is what Seungri settles on apparently, and it leaves Jiyong feeling a bit surprised.  
   “You don’t seem very upset?”, and there it is. When Seungri looks up at Jiyong and into his eyes, he sees the pain in them. But it’s concealed well, and Jiyong knows how strong his dongsaeng is, so he won’t worry.

Later as they’re getting ready to go on stage, having driven an hour to some venue in Boston, Seungri approaches Jiyong again: “You do realize we’ll eventually have to address the elephant in the room, don’t you hyung?”

 

On stage it’s definitely tense between them, but the other members make up for it. Seunghyun is still going strong, making up for what he lacks in the english language, by acting as crazy as possible. The fans seem to love it, so Jiyong feels content enough to not want to comment on Seungri’s silence later. He's really just over the moon that none of them seem affected by Seungri's dating-scandal.  
   Jiyong learns, however, that Seungri is unbelievably attractive when he speaks english. How he’s never noticed before is beyond him. It’s like he’s discovered a whole new Seungri ever since he’d written _Afternoon_ , and it puzzles him that such thing is even possible. He has no idea at all about the size of Youngbae’s ankles, or how much body hair Seunghyun’s sporting, he’s never noticed the size of Daesung’s waist but when it comes to Seungri he could probably write an essay.

“Hey GD!”, Daesung’s voice thunders to Jiyong’s right, leaving him startled, embarrassed and the fans’ screams are deafening. He can’t believe he was just caught staring at Seungri publicly.  
   Of course they’re doing the damn burger, which is something Jiyong really is not a fan of, but doesn’t mind doing in order to make their fans laugh. While he walks over to join his members who are on the opposite side of the stage, his eyes lock with Seungri’s. There is something in them, like he knows exactly why Jiyong had been staring at him like that. It gives him chills, because his magnae’s gaze is challenging.

 

Laying on top of Seungri, with Daesung about to join in as the last person on top of their pile, Jiyong really doesn’t mean to, really doesn’t intend to at first; but he places his hand, which faces away from their fans, on their magnae’s waist, leans down, hiding his face from view, and lets his wetted lips carefully caress Seungri’s neck. His breath is heavy and hot and they’re close enough that Jiyong clearly hears the gasp Seungri accidentally lets out.

He makes it clear to Seungri that he’d definitely intended doing so, by squeezing at his magnae’s waist where his hand is still resting. He feels crazy doing what he just did. But he also, for the first time ever, feels free.

 


	4. The nights

Considering the looks Seungri had kept on sending Jiyong the evening of their fan meeting, he’s surprised they last the next 24 hours in each other’s presence without exploding. It’s like Jiyong’s bold gesture had helped to vanish whatever restraints they both seemed to have around one another, as they’ve done nothing but mischievously eye each other up during their second shoot the following day.  
   Seungri looks sinfully good in the tightest turtleneck of the century, sporting the sexiest messy hairdo Jiyong’s ever seen him in. In return, Jiyong makes sure to really up his charm, as it’s his turn in front of the camera. Because if there is one thing he knows he excels at, it’s looking like he knows he’s about the hottest, breathing, living thing in the entire universe.

He knows this thing might be the stupidest thing he’s ever done in his career, but being in Boston, and having gotten away with what he did last night, makes him feel dangerously powerful. They’re away from their country in which he knows Seungri feels trapped, and out having a good time all five of them. It feels like a burden has been lifted off their shoulders, because they’re reunited and their youngest doesn’t seem like he’s constantly suffocating anymore.  
   Life feels exciting like it did back when they were rookies. Like they will have the ability to concour the world if they tried. He can’t place where exactly that feeling comes from, but he guesses it’s got to do with the overall carefree attitude of the people who live in America.

 

So in Boston, Jiyong has his first sexual encounter with a man.

 

It’s late at night back at their hotel, and Jiyong is definitely expecting the knock on the door as it finally comes. It feels like a sixth sense knowing full well that it’s Seungri on the other side, and he doesn’t hesitate to open.  
   They stand there for a bit, looking at each other, looking for some kind of permission.  
   “Let’s not think tonight, okay?”, Jiyong proposes, watching his magnae’s eyes grow darker by the second. Something between them feels incomplete after the morning in July where Seungri’d kissed him, and Jiyong hopes that whatever happens now will fix it. The man before him looks so good, always has done, but as his face has matured over the years Jiyong now realizes just how manly his baby dongsaeng has become.

Jiyong reaches out to feel Seungri’s strong jaw, lets his fingers ghost over the skin, and finally. Finally Seungri dips into Jiyong’s space, claiming his lips. Again. But it’s nothing like the kiss they’d shared those weeks ago. This is in no way as desperate, as hurried - this is Seungri taking his time, getting himself used to Jiyong’s mouth. It turns Jiyong on horribly.

They break apart, and Jiyong looks up at the man before him. Something in him loves the fact that his magnae has also grown taller than him. He leans in and attaches his lips to the same spot he’d claimed at the fan meeting the night before. He smiles to himself as Seungri seemingly loses himself and lets out a long moan. It’s music to Jiyong’s ears, and he wishes he could leave a mark where his lips are.  
   He reaches down and feels how hard his magnae is in his jeans, but as he goes to work on the other’s belt, a pair of hands goes to stop him. Jiyong looks up and is just about to protest, because no, no Seungri can’t stop him now - but Seungri just shakes his head at Jiyong. If he only knew how long Jiyong’s wanted this, how much Jiyong loves him, he wouldn’t stop him.

Against all odds Seungri leans in to press their lips together again, and Jiyong feels so relieved his chest might burst. And then the younger starts guiding them both backwards.  
   He pushes Jiyong down onto the edge of the bed, in a sitting position, legs on the floor. All he can do is look up a Seungri, who in turn gets down on his knees. For Jiyong. And Jiyong’s heart stops beating right there, because Seungri looks him in the eyes with lust and determination. He is sure he could come just from that look alone.  
   The room is bathing in moonlight, and Jiyong wants to savour how Seungri looks right in that moment, skin reflecting the light. Jiyong threads his hand through the younger’s hair, as said person peels off the boxer shorts Jiyong’s wearing.

It turns Jiyong on to no end, knowing that Seungri’s done this before. Knowing that his magnae is not a child anymore, but instead an experienced, grown man - as proven very quickly when his lips finally, finally wrap around the head of Jiyong’s cock. His heat is unbearable. So much so Jiyong has to concentrate on not coming right in that moment. His hand tightens in Seungri’s hair, as the younger’s hands find Jiyong’s hips and grip on to them hard.  
   Jiyong is in no doubt Seungri’s given a good few blowjobs before, because this is the single best one Jiyong’s ever received in his life. _Ever_. His thoughts are withering, as Seungri takes him impossibly deep. And it comes so close to being the most erotic experience in Jiyong’s life.  
   As he finally looks down, though, that’s when he officially gets close to coming, because Seungri’s cheeks are rosy, his eyes closed showing off his long eyelashes, concentration evident on his face.  
   And when Jiyong finally, finally lets go and comes, Seungri swallows it all. He’s licking away every last trace of Jiyong’s cum, and suddenly moans around the head, making Jiyong wince because he’s so, so sensitive right then.

Jiyong’s very eager to repay Seungri, but the younger stands up and a wet patch is showing up on his sweats. Jiyong is speechless. Did his magnae just enjoy giving him head so much that he came whilst doing so? Without touching himself? That turns Jiyong on a lot more than it should. He actually can’t believe that his baby magnae just came from sucking off another man, and he has to really contain himself so that he doesn’t end up with yet another boner.

 

They lie together in the dark afterwards, Jiyong’s fingers tracing patterns - maybe even lyrics - into the skin of the other’s torso.  
“I’m tired of hiding, hyung”, Seungri mumbles right before he falls asleep. His voice is scratchy and Jiyong realizes that those were the only words Seungri’d spoken to him all day.

 

Coming back to Korea is like coming back to reality. The reality that Jiyong can’t be with Seungri, because they can’t afford another scandal. Especially not one of that sort of character. And it hurts so much, and Jiyong hates his country so much for a while, that he has the hardest time focusing on work and being professional. He sees the looks Seungri sends him when they see each other on schedules or in the studio. They’re longing and begging, but Jiyong is too scared. So he starts hating himself, because now, finally getting to have a piece of Seungri, he’s too scared to act on whatever’s between them.  
   He doesn’t know what sorts of feelings Seungri has for him, and he’s a coward so he doesn’t ask.

August turns to September and September turns to October and they still haven’t talked.

In September Jiyong knows for sure that Seungri going down on him hadn’t given him closure. In fact all Jiyong can think of now is how in the world he can work this out. Work _them_ out.

In October he goes to a shitload of meetings so he doesn’t even have time to think about anything else. When he comes home at night he cooks himself a quick meal, then goes to sleep immediately. He somewhat enjoys living like that, because then he doesn’t have to constantly remind himself of the complete impossibility that is Lee Seungri.

A comeback is scheduled for December, so Jiyong is holed up in the studio with Teddy, the members taking turns coming in to write and record. The studio is flooded in cigarette packs and empty beer cans. There is something about living like this that Jiyong loves but can’t explain the appeal of.  
   He gets to see the magnae for the first time in at least a month and they’re not awkward, that’s the thing, it’s just like the night in Boston never happened.

 

By the time November’s arrived, Jiyong is stressed out, because he still needs one last song to finish off their album. He feels like he’s tried everything, but he doesn’t seem to know what he’s looking for. It’s gotten to the point where Yang Hyunsuk’s comes to help him out in the studio, which Jiyong finds a little embarrassing. He wrote MADE without any help from the agency, what’s changed?  
   He goes out to eat with Youngbae to bitch about his writer’s block, but his best friend is apparently too used to situations like this, that he just buys a few bottles of soju and starts pouring shots for Jiyong to drink.

He calls Kiko the same night, drunk out of his mind, and she insists on finding him a date. He meets her on a Thursday, her name is Seoyoung, and she’s lovely and all, but something’s just not right. It frustrates him to no end, because being in love with someone - and that someone being a man named Lee Seungri - for around seven months is just so out of character for Jiyong. So he brings the girl home, and fucks her on the couch because he simply doesn’t know what else to do.

 

“I wrote a song”, Jiyong nearly jumps out of his seat in the studio, because apparently Seungri couldn't be bothered to knock on the damn door. He always does, but not today.  
   He looks worn out as he stands before Jiyong. His mouth is in a straight line, his cheeks lacking colour. Jiyong stands up from where he’s sitting, and doesn’t miss how Seungri flinches.

The lyrics are nothing like what Seungri’s written in the past. They completely lack that specific cheerfulness that is _Seungri_ , and Jiyong thinks that this comes from his magnae’s heart. This comes from Lee Seunghyun.

“I want you to sing this”, Seungri says and Jiyong is speechless for a second.

“We’re going out, magnae”, it’s a quick decision he makes up on the spot, but he knows that all Seungri can do now is follow him.

 

They go to one of the underground clubs where Jiyong knows Seunghyun used to perform, before Jiyong went and got him signed. The music is loud, the air heavy with smoke and it’s nice because it reminds him of the clubs in Paris. These people won’t know who they are, and if they do they won’t care.  
   Seungri looks a bit uncomfortable at first, being used to high-class nightclubs and that, but then just ends up looking confused when all Jiyong does is buy him shot after shot.  
   “We don't have to pretend here”, Jiyong explains.  
   “I’m not in need of a fuck, hyung”, Seungri’s voice is bitter, and Jiyong almost wants to kick him for speaking like that.

Something’s definitely not right between them, but Jiyong continues to drink and he likes watching Seungri do so too. He loves how his magnae’s eyes look unfocused, the empty look now caused by alcohol and not something else.  
   A few pretty girls come up to them, but Jiyong turns them all away whilst Seungri retorts to ignoring them completely.

“What are you playing at, hyung?”

Bodies are surrounding them, as soon as Jiyong’s dragged Seungri out on the dance floor. He’s so drunk that he doesn’t even have to remind himself not to think - he simply doesn’t as his wraps his arms around Seungri’s waist dragging him closer. They move together and Jiyong becomes more and more frustrated by the minute, because why isn’t Seungri melting into his touch like he usually does? He seems so stiff, compared to the past when he’d usually be grinding against some bird by now.

Jiyong leans in close, mouth brushing Seungri’s ear: “you don’t have to hide here”, he whispers. Seungri closes his eyes at that, taking a deep breath and Jiyong crosses his fingers, hoping.  
   What Seungri had uttered in Boston - _“I’m tired of hiding, hyung”_ \- has never left Jiyong’s thoughts. He knows he can’t give his magnae the freedom he deserves - he can’t lie and tell the other that everything will be okay. In their field of work closeting is the only option for someone like Seungri. They would be over if he were to ever come out, and even if it hurts Jiyong to see Seungri so mentally exhausted, he can’t let such a thing happen.  
   So instead he decides to do what he can to make life a bit more bearable for Seungri. He wants to give Seungri everything he’s got - “if you want to, you can have me”, he utters and he knows he’s consciously damaging their friendship right in that moment, making it clear to Seungri that Boston wasn’t just a one-off. He feels Seungri’s hand on his waist, fisting Jiyong’s shirt, visibly conflicted and Jiyong does nothing because the moment is so, so fragile.

The crowd is wild and sweaty around them, as they do nothing but sway lightly to the music, pressed close to each other. But some guy accidentally stumbles into them, and right that second Jiyong knows the spell’s broken.  
   “I’m not some toy.. Some stupid experiment, hyung”, Seungri’s gaze is like ice and he actually shoves Jiyong hard then to get away. He disappears in the crowd before Jiyong gets the chance to follow him.

 

Jiyong spends his time resting, whilst he’s flying out to Paris the following week for Chanel Métiers D’art show. It’s nice not having to work for the however many hours he spends on the plane. He gets to be just Jiyong and not in the role that is G-dragon. He watches a few films, and drinks a few glasses of champagne. When the lights are turned off, he actually goes to sleep and when he’s woken up some time later he makes sure to eat every last bite of the breakfast he’s served.

Paris sort of feels like his second home, and it’s always nice to reunite with the people who frequents the shows like Jiyong himself. He talks a bit with Cara Delevingne, who happens to sit on his right side. She invites him out for dinner and drinks with some of her friends, and he doesn’t have plans so he accepts.  
   They go to a luxurious rooftop bar, Paris lies before them and Jiyong feels properly happy, for the first time in a while, that this is his life. He decides then, that Paris can’t be the only city this beautiful and that he’ll go and explore the rest of Europe as soon as he gets the chance to.

He finds himself unable to look away, when he spots the two women a while later. He’s had a few cocktails and feels a pleasant buzz in his body. They must be in their 60’s at least, and they’re clinking their glasses of champagne together, cheering to something Jiyong can’t hear.  
   “It’s their 20 year anniversary”, Cara’s voice is in his ear, and his mouth forms an o, “Lindsey says she overheard them, as they ordered the champagne. It’s really nice isn’t it? I feel like it’s love in it’s purest form.”  
   Jiyong can do nothing but agree. They look so happy. Two french ladies, drinking expensive champagne as Paris stretches itself miles and miles before them. He watches as one of them, the brunette, kisses the back of her lover’s hand. He watches them smile at each other, as if they’ve got all the time in the world. As if the world’s frozen around them.

“You haven’t stopped looking at them even once”, Cara says matter-of-factly as quite some time has passed. Jiyong just shakes his head, finally tearing his eyes away from the women across the room.  
   “You don’t see that back in Korea”, he tries. His english is not the best, but he knows the basics, so he’s at least not worried she won’t understand, “I have a friend who is like them. He will never get to go out with a person he loves like that”.  
   Cara just nods, “I can’t imagine what that must feel like.”  
   “It feels like life in a box would”, Jiyong answers before he can stop himself. He watches realization dawn on Cara’s face.  
   “I’m sorry”, is all she says.  
   “Please don’t tell anyone”, he pleads.  
   “I wouldn’t”, and even if Jiyong didn’t actually get to talk about his feelings for Seungri, he feels like part of his burden is now shared with Cara.

 

He tries calling Seungri when he arrives back in Korea, but gets no answer.

 

He then produces and records the song Seungri’d written, and ends up choosing it to be the very last song to go on the album’s tracklist. It’s turned out well, though Jiyong would have preferred if Seungri had been there to help him write the music too. It’s always hard working with lyrics which are not his own, so he hopes he did them justice, and that Seungri won’t hate it.  
   He sings the verses and raps the chorus, and it’s different to anything he’s done before. His falsetto is soft, but a guitar builds up the bridge and his rapping is full of anger in the chorus. It suits the lyrics.  
   Youngbae and Seunghyun come to the studio and have a listen. Jiyong can’t tell what they think by their faces, and he feels nervous but doesn’t know why: “Well?”, he asks when it’s ended, and Seunghyun immediately gives him a thumbs up. Youngbae, on the other hand, is silent like he’s still in deep though.  
   “These are Seungri’s lyrics?”, Jiyong nods, “why in the world did he ask you to sing them?”  
   “What do you mean?”, Jiyong and Seunghyun ask at the same time.  
   “It’s just..”, Youngbae trails off, but Jiyong’s starting to make sense of Youngbae’s confusion now. They’re sad lyrics, sure, but they portray nothing but unrequited love - a man who’s blind to the love someone else is willing to give.

 _The moonlight’s telling them stories_  
_of you and me when nothing mattered_  
_no boundaries_  
_no words expressed_  
_and the sun came up and I was there to tell you_  
_but you never listened_

“It’s not meant for the world to listen”, Jiyong whispers. The studio is so silent one could hear a pin drop, and all Jiyong wants to do scream.

 

They’re practicing choreography the day after. And three days after that. They seem more out of tune than ever, and Jiyong knows it’s his fault. He doesn’t feel like he’s present at all, because his thoughts are eating him up from within.  
   The choreo is very beautiful, but also hard to learn, so he’s also quite frustrated with himself. He just can’t seem to get anything right anymore. Like his life is completely off the rails, speeding him towards something completely unknown. And he hates it, because he hates not being in control.

He hopes it’s not too obvious how troubled he feels, that he’s hiding it well. He tries laughing at Daesung and Seunghyun as they fool around, and tries not to yell at their backup dancers when they mess up. They probably think he’s a right diva, but he just doesn’t care.

He goes up to the YG cafeteria for an energy drink, and Daesung follows him, which is nice because his dongsaeng can always put a smile on his face, no matter the situation. They end up eating lunch together instead of energy drink only, which was what Jiyong had originally planned. His appetite has returned, after a few minutes with Daesung, so he eats a lot to gain back energy.  
   “I’m actually excited to come back, hyung”, Daesung tells him and he’s glad. Because even if he hadn’t seemed much like it, Daesung had been affected by his accident through the whole of their MADE era. It just hadn’t been the same carefree Daesung on stage, and Jiyong had had to force him out of bed some mornings. He guesses they’re just not meant to all be happy at once, but as long as at least some of them stay strong enough to pick up the other’s, Jiyong knows they’ll be fine.

 

When he rings the doorbell, he stands waiting and whilst doing so he realizes that his whole world has come to revolve around Seungri. The songs he writes, the weeks and days and hours he spends locked away in the studio, his general state of mind and mental wellbeing. Everything he does he does because he either wants to please his magnae or because he needs to get away from him. It’s almost December and that means Seungri’s been out a whole year. It also means that Jiyong’s wanted him and loved him for almost eight months.

Seungri stands before him as soon as the door’s opened, and Jiyong then realizes that he’s been a complete jerk. Seungri steps aside to let Jiyong enter, but that’s also the only sign Jiyong picks up that Seungri wants him to be there.  
   “I finished your song”, Jiyong says as soon as he steps inside and starts taking off his shoes.

They sit by Seungri’s dining table. It’s nighttime and the lights are dimmed. It’s not exactly messy in Seungri’s apartment, but it is evident that he’s recently been a lot more home than usual.

“I went and fucked a boy, a few boys actually, like you wanted me to”, Seungri says, voice harsh, “but..”, he says something Jiyong doesn’t catch because he himself spoke at the same time.  
   “What did you say?”, Seungri asks, voice now weak, and Jiyong doesn’t want to repeat himself, but doesn’t really have a choice.  
   “We can’t be together”, his own voice is wobbly and he stares down at the table.

They’re silent for a long time.

“You don’t love me, hyung.”

“You said the exact same thing to me, when you’d listened to Afternoon for the first time. But you’re wrong, because I do”, it’s out there and Jiyong can’t take it back. He closes his eyes, because he wants to get away. He’s so fed up with the thing called reality, that all he wants to do in that moment is run.

“You can’t”, Seungri voices what they both already know. There is no hope for love when they’re G-dragon and V.I of Big Bang. And he’s known it all along.

“I did in Boston. Because Boston was something else”, he’s pretty sure he hears Seungri hum a small sound of agreement.

“I did too. In Boston”, and Jiyong’s heart breaks when Seungri says this. Because Jiyong can handle being lonely, but he’s not sure how well Seungri will handle loving someone he can’t have.

 

But hands grab onto Jiyong’s and he’s lead through Seungri’s apartment. He finds himself in his magnae’s bedroom. They look at each other, almost shy this time around. Jiyong reaches out.

They take their time peeling off each other’s clothes, hands touching and exploring, mouths placing kisses wherever reachable. Seungri’s strong body hovers over Jiyong’s in the dark, the many lights from Seoul making it possible for them to properly look at each other. Savour the moment.  
   Jiyong gives all control to Seungri, who touches him like he’s something so precious, like he’s afraid he might break Jiyong. His fingers open Jiyong up, and it hurts but it’s a nice pain, and the way Seungri looks him in the eyes is enough to make it bearable.

Seungri fills him completely, and Jiyong moans while his magnae places kisses along his jaw, then finally fully on the mouth, as he starts thrusting. Sounds he can’t control coming out of him fills the silent night, and Seungri is above him chest flushed and sweaty as he sits up to better the angle.  
   “You look so good like this”, Jiyong manages to say, and Seungri grabs onto Jiyong’s cock, which sends him straight to Heaven. This is pleasure like he’s never experienced it before. It should feel weird, giving himself to his dongsaeng like this, but it doesn’t.  
   “You look so beautiful like this”, Seungri replies, leaning down again, grabbing Jiyong’s hair as he pants into his mouth. His movements are getting more and more erratic, and Jiyong feels an unbearable heat pool deep inside him.

When they come it’s Jiyong first with Seungri spilling into him a few seconds after. They lie pressed together, trying to catch their breath, coming down from their high some time after, until Seungri gets up to dry Jiyong off with a towel.  
   “You need to stop loving me after tonight, okay?”, it’s obviously painful for Seungri to say those words, but he curls up to Jiyong and it’s okay for now, Jiyong tells himself, because tonight is not over yet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter was too dark. I just really hope to portray the helplessness Jiyong feels, knowing they don't stand a chance against the world. 
> 
> We are soon coming to an end, so I had to make this chapter slightly shorter.
> 
> Comments and kudos are two very nice things, so I hope you enjoyed reading!


	5. The end

A lot of their fans claim that this is their best comeback to date, which is enough for Jiyong to deem it successful even if MADE will probably always be his favourite. Because it was their first comeback in three years, it had felt very special, and he likes to imagine that the MADE era is what he will look back on feeling most happy about when he’s grown old one day.  
   The song they’re promoting is upbeat, but nothing like _Bang Bang Bang_. To say they’re all exhausted is an understatement, and on top of that Youngbae’s caught a throat infection, so Daesung and Seungri have to cover half his lines. The fans don’t seem to mind this, luckily, so he won’t have to stress Youngbae’s recovery too much.

They go on more variety shows than ever, and they eventually loosen up a bit and start to actually have fun doing so. The only problem is the exhaustion, which hangs over the group like a black cloud. They try to sleep whenever they can - in makeup and hair, on breaks between sets and in the car - but it’s never enough, so they down coffee and energy drinks like there’s no tomorrow.  
   It’s a blessing that the five of them were put in a group together, though, because when Youngbae is on vocal rest and Seunghyun’s so unfocused from lack of sleep that he forgets how to move his lips, Seungri saves the day as always. His never-ending energy always helps Daesung liven up, and together the two of them saves whatever show they’re recording in that moment. It makes Jiyong’s heart swell with pride and affection for his dongsaengs.

And even if they are all practically zombies after the first week of promotions, they still make time to go out and eat together, even if they should be at home sleeping. Jiyong knows he wouldn’t have wanted to be on this ten year long journey with any other four people, than those four who now sit around him, as they treat themselves to the most expensive meat they had been able to find.  
   Even if they’ve decided to have beer only, instead of soju or wine, they still end up a little tipsy and Jiyong is sure that their waiter must have the worst impression of them, as they sit there - five members of Big Bang, exhausted to the point of collapsing, drunk on beer and each other’s company. They must seem completely mental.

 

Jiyong definitely feels mental as they’re driving down to Busan, for some schedule he can’t recall what is, after their dinner. He tries to sleep, because he thinks he might actually die if he doesn’t, but the world is spinning around him. He knows it’d be best if he drank some water, but he’s afraid he might need to pee if he does, so he leans his head against the window instead, admiring the lights from the city as they speed past.  
   It’s December and it feels like 2016 disappeared through his fingers, like he’d tried to hold on to running water. It mostly feels like a blur, like it was a year begging to be over with and if he has to be honest he’s happy that it is - almost over that is.  
   He snaps a photo out of the window of the car, and posts it to his Instagram. He’s being melodramatic because he’s been drinking, and he knows he’ll only worry his fans, but he captions it with the broken hearted emoji.

Since the drive takes about five hours, all his members have fallen asleep one hour in. They’re outside of Seoul now, and all Jiyong has to look at is the dull scenery of the highway. Daesung who sits beside him is sleeping on his shoulder, so he doesn’t dare moving too much. Seunghyun is snoring from somewhere behind Jiyong, and he wants to pinch his hyungs nose badly, but can’t turn around because of Daesung.  
   So naturally he’s in the worst mood possible when they arrive at their destination. He hasn’t slept, hasn’t drunk anything and his slight hangover has given him a headache. The rest of the members seem okay at least, so Jiyong will leave most of whatever they’re filming to them, as he’ll try not to pass out.

His plan works, because nobody seems to notice how overworked they all are. Jiyong thinks it’s incredible how much five hours can do in terms of reloading energy levels. He himself downs three Red Bulls in one go, as soon as they have a five minute break, which he’s 99 percent sure is not the healthiest thing to do.

And he’s right, because three hours into shooting he starts shaking all over his body, but he does his best at concealing it. He breaks out into cold sweat half an hour later and gets his first concerned look from Youngbae, but he shakes his head gently as to tell Youngbae not to worry.  
   Twenty minutes later, though, he has to rush off set and manages to make it to the nearest bin before his legs collapse beneath him and he retches violently into it. He’s shaking uncontrollably and his vision is disturbed by black spots forming. He thinks he hears the film-crew calling cut and before he knows it, he’s being carried to their van by his manager.

After insisting he’s gonna be okay and that he just needs to lie down for a few minutes, his manager tells Seungri, since he’s the magnae, to stay by Jiyong’s side whilst his manager goes to inform the crew that he’s fine and doesn’t need an ambulance. It’s nothing he’s never tried before, but the last time was probably back in his rookie days and the experience is always very uncomfortable.  
   His magnae sits on the floor of their van, as Jiyong lies across the backseats: “Water?”, Seungri asks, offering him the bottle he’s been given by their manager. Jiyong just shakes his head gently.  
   “You don’t have to sit there, I can take care of myself Seungri-yah”, he says, voice low and closes his eyes.  
   “Obviously not. You’re white as a ghost, hyung”, his magnae sounds concerned and Jiyong lets out a snort, because he’s not dying, “let me just take care of you for a while, okay?”  
   His words warm Jiyong from within, and his heart which is racing uncontrollably from all the caffeine slows down a bit, and he feels more relaxed.

“We’ve got ten minutes till filming starts again”, Youngbae’s voice comes from outside, and Seungri just hums a reply. Jiyong feels stressed out instantly, because he’s so annoyed with himself for collapsing. His members are tired and probably just wants this filming over with. His fingers anxiously rip at the quilted floor of the van.  
   “Relax, hyung”, Jiyong is happy that Seungri’s voice is so gentle for the first time ever, because it’s soothing and doesn’t aggravate his headache further.  
   “Just shut up”, he whispers, but it’s without any anger. He knows Seungri knows he’s grateful for the company.

He feels fingertips intertwine with his own, and he can’t help the content sigh which escapes him. Seungri’s hand is in his, and in that moment he can’t think of anything else. It’s nice.  
   They stay like that, in silence, enjoying the company of each other.

 

Coming to a mutual agreement to remain friends, had taken quite the toll on Jiyong. He didn’t want anything to be ruined between them, but his own feelings were in the way especially because Seungri now knew of them. They had both agreed that nobody could know about the two of them, because it’d simply be too dangerous. If it ever were to come out that two members of Big Bang had been sexually involved with each other, hell would break loose.

So they’ve promoted their comeback trying to act towards each other like they would if things were still normal. Jiyong thinks that this must be what Seungri’d felt like back when he’d kept his sexuality a secret from them. Jiyong feels like he’s keeping half of what he now is from the people who stand him nearest, and it’s so frustrating because whenever he looks at Seungri all he wants to do is curl up to him and stay there forever.

Their fans don’t seem to notice any differences between the two of them, but the amount of Nyongtory shippers keeps increasing. At first Yang Hyunsuk encourages them to interact more on stage, but when shippers start getting aggressive at fan meetings and in the mobs he tells them to lay low on the fan service for a while.  
   And that’s what hurts the most. Because YG telling them to not interact on stage anymore, is the biggest proof that this career would be over if Jiyong and Seungri ever decided to act on their feelings towards each other.

So they keep the one acceptable thing that’s between them. And that’s their friendship. They go out to eat with each other and the other members, they go out clubbing, they play around backstage like they’ve always done. Everything is normal. Except for the fact that it’s really not. Being just friends with Seungri feels so unnatural now.

 

That’s why when Seungri takes Jiyong’s hand in their van that day, he relaxes fully for the first time since he can remember. Them, like this, is what feels natural. But the way Seungri’s hand jerks violently, the way he lets go as if Jiyong’s burnt him as soon as they are called back on set is unfortunately the tragic reality of Jiyong’s life.

 

On their way back to Seoul, his members are cramped up in the seats up front, because Jiyong’s been forced to lie on the backseats. He’s sorry and the situation is only worsened when their managers have to cancel their schedules the following day, due to him being too weak to go anywhere.  
   Seungri’s told to follow Jiyong up to his apartment, when they arrive back in Seoul and Jiyong is too embarrassed to say anything as they ride the elevator. He’s sure he doesn’t need it, but Seungri keeps a hold on his arm for support and even takes Jiyong’s keys to unlock the door. His magnae looks exhausted too, having had no sleep on the way back as he’d been squished in between Seunghyun and Daesung. He’s black under his eyes and very pale, clearly using his last energy on Jiyong.  
   “You can stay. You’re too tired to go home anyways”, he says and Seungri looks unsure for a moment. They’d been papped going from the van to the building Jiyong lives in, but Jiyong refuses to let that stop him from taking the care he can of his dongsaeng.

They fall asleep immediately as they’ve found themselves comfortable in bed. Neither of them having been able to find the energy to take off their clothes, and Jiyong knows he’ll wake up tomorrow feeling too uncomfortable, but he can’t find it in him to care. Every muscle in his body is screaming for his soft mattress.

He wakes up in Seungri’s arms feeling extremely drowsy. He looks up expecting to find his magnae fast asleep, but he’s met by brown orbs looking down at him.  
   “We’ve slept almost twenty hours”, Seungri whispers. It’s dark in the room so it must be nighttime yet again. Jiyong’s head feels all fuzzy, like his brain has melted. He feels so comfortable with Seungri wrapped around him like this, so he tries to shuffle a bit closer. He immediately feels Seungri’s hard cock press against his own, and he sucks in a sharp breath. Seungri lets out a humourless laugh.  
   Jiyong blames it on his sleep ridden mind when he experimentally thrusts his hips forward once again. He’d told himself to stay away, but in this moment, having Seungri like this, he just can’t. His own dick’s awoken too, already hard and leaking in his jeans. He feels Seungri’s hips grind back into his own, and they both let out airy moans.  
   “Hyung we shouldn’t”, but Seungri’s arms tighten around him and he nuzzles his nose into Jiyong’s hair.  
   Given the permission, Jiyong grabs Seungri’s voluptuous butt and presses their erections together hard. This time they moan louder. Jiyong feels so conflicted because he knows they shouldn’t, but at this point he just can’t stop himself. He can’t pull himself away from his magnae, and it definitely doesn’t help that Seungri seems to want this just as much.  
   “Seungri-yah”, he whines and feels the younger man’s hot breath in his hair. They’re both starting to pant, as their hips mold together.

When they come, Jiyong buries his face in Seungri’s neck. He doesn’t mean to, but tears leak from his eyes as he starts crying, sobs escaping, chest shaking. Seungri just holds them, and it feels like it’s the two of them against the world. Except there is no ‘them’, only Jiyong who’s fallen hopelessly in love with a man, who seems to be falling with him.

 

As soon as their promotions end, Jiyong doesn’t see any members of Big Bang for the rest of December. He goes home for Christmas and his sister quickly notices that he’s not himself, but doesn’t pressure him to talk about it.  
   Instead they go out for noraebang on Christmas Day and she sings too many silly songs trying to cheer him up, and it works for a while. They share the funkiest drinks from the menu, and he’s grateful for her effort. He tells her he’s sorry he’s away so much, but she only ruffles his hair and in turn tells him that she couldn’t be anymore proud to call someone her brother.

They go to Jeju some days later, Jiyong’s treat, and it feels so melancholic spending so much time watching the sea, waves clashing and one day it starts snowing. Jiyong stays out until his fingers are blue, only to come back to his mums doenjang jigae. He’s reminded then, that he’s always surrounded by so many people who love him and the thought brings warmth back in his cheeks. He’d received so many letters from fans over Christmas telling him so rest and eat well, and he thinks that that one paparazzi must have sold the photos of Seungri half carrying him to his apartment, since all his fans seem to be aware of how overworked they all were.

He’s back in Seoul to welcome the new year and attends a party hosted by Se7en, so naturally half the k-pop community is there. Dancing with Chaerin and catching up with Hyunseung helps to better his mood, and he jumps into the new year hand in hand with Teddy.

 

He throws himself right back into work in January. He buys new art to hang in the studio for new inspiration, and then locks himself up in there like he does best. He writes and writes, but doesn’t come up with anything remarkable. He, for once, doesn’t let himself get frustrated because of this, because he’s not preparing for any sort of comeback. This time he writes only because it’s what he’s good at and what he likes to do.

Yang Hyunsuk comes down to visit him a few days later, and he laughs at Jiyong sitting on the floor surrounded by rolled up paper and a completely full ashtray.  
   “It’s been 10 years”, he starts and Jiyong just nods, “anytime you want, as long as it’s not leading up to any major activities, you can take a months hiatus”, Jiyong’s eyes widen. He guesses this would only be fair in any other situation than his, but he’s Kwon Jiyong, he’s G-Dragon, golden boy of YG Entertainment - he simply doesn’t just take a month off.

He realizes later that night that this is the perfect opportunity for him to go explore Europe, like he’d dreamed of that night in Paris with Cara and her crew. He thinks he’d like that a lot. To get away, get to know himself again.

So he asks Seungri to come with him. He’d spontaneously showed up on his magnae’s doorstep and proposed the idea immediately. Seungri looks like he’s expecting Jiyong to suddenly reveal that it’s all a prank, but when Jiyong keeps talking of all the places he wants to go, all the places he wants to see and all the food he wants to eat, Seungri seems to take him seriously in the end.  
   “But hyung.. It seems too good to be true”, he says after Jiyong’s babbled on for a while. Jiyong kisses him then.

 

They depart on the first of February. It’s snowing in Incheon and Jiyong thinks Seungri looks incredible in his airport fashion. They’re traveling first class opposed to their usual business class flights. Jiyong falls asleep on Seungri’s shoulder whilst they watch some superhero film, and he wakes up to Seungri ordering their most expensive champagne. They then toast to a month of freedom and enjoy the rest of the flight feeling tipsy and warm.

Spain is their first destination and they stay in a tiny hotel in some tiny town in which they can isolate themselves from the rest of the world. They unpack as fast as they can, before they go out to explore their surroundings. It’s quite an old but charming village, and the sun shines down on them, not too hot because it’s only February after all and it’s nice to not feel like they’re burning up. Jiyong buys them both colourful sunhats from a local boutique, because there aren’t any touristy shops and that makes them feel a hundred percent more secure.  
   As the first days proceed they realize that nobody here have any idea of who they are. They go to the beach and Jiyong admires Seungri’s strong body. The water is too cold, so they only bathe in it one evening when they’re drunk on wine Seunghyun would die to have a sip of. They laugh hysterically as they splash each other with the ice-cold water.  
   For the first time in forever they get to eat regular and healthy meals. They do miss Korean food, but they fill themselves to the brim with pasta every night and it’s kind of like noodles.

One night Jiyong lies on their bed and watches Seungri strip out of his clothes, moonlight shining on him.  
   “I love you”, Seungri stops moving, shorts midway down his thighs and turns to look at Jiyong, “no matter what I do I can’t stop.”  
   His magnae doesn’t say anything. He just lies beside Jiyong and they fall asleep like that. It doesn’t feel like a rejection, but Jiyong still doesn’t know what Seungri’s exact feelings for him are either.

 

Their next destination is Denmark. It’s yet another small town on the very tip of Jutland. The weather is freezing, but their hotel is very charming with flowery tapestry and tiny windows. They are told you can actually stand on the tip of Denmark, and they decide to go there the next day. Seungri runs as fast as the can out into the two oceans which meet each other and clash together around him, and Jiyong watches feeling amused because it’s winter and his magnae is soaked to the bone.  
   After they’ve both showered and ready, they go out for dinner. The town is actually a fishing village, so they eat delicious seafood and it almost feels like home. Drinking the strongest liquor Jiyong’s had in his life, they fall asleep that night bodies pleasantly buzzing and stomachs full of good food.

 

“I can’t believe we’ve already been away for two whole weeks”, Jiyong says on their first night in Ireland. Seungri’s on his phone and doesn’t answer, so Jiyong pokes his magnae with his foot. He’s lying on the bed and Seungri’s sitting on the edge.  
   “The fans know we’re away together, just the two of us”, and Jiyong’s first instinct is to panic, fly back to Korea and deny that they ever went, “we aren’t doing anything wrong though”, it’s Seungri who speaks again and Jiyong is surprised. He’d expect Seungri to panic worse than Jiyong, but as they look each other in the eyes he only sees calmness.

Slightly drunk on good beer they post a selca of the both of them to their Instagrams. Their shippers go crazy, and they decide not to check their phones anymore that night. Instead they stay up most of the night until they’re sober again to avoid too much of a hangover.  
   Jiyong goes to take a shower, washing the smell of beer off of himself, shampooing his fading platinum hair. He’s washing out conditioner, when the door to the bathroom opens and Seungri steps into the shower a few seconds later. Jiyong is frozen, hands in his hair, but Seungri only smiles at him, gesturing for Jiyong to turn around.  
   As his magnae washes out his conditioner, giving his scalp a bit of a massage, Jiyong closes his eyes. He can hear Seungri’s breathing even with the water running and it’s such a relaxing sound Jiyong wishes he could stay there forever.  
   When all the conditioner is out of his hair, Jiyong feels his magnae press a kiss to his shoulder, and he feels goosebumps rise all over his body. He rolls his head back and rests it on Seungri’s shoulder. They stand like that for a while, Seungri’s arms hold him close, and Jiyong’s surprised that they don’t run out of warm water.  
   “I love you too”, Jiyong doesn’t ever think he’s heard words more beautiful spill from his magnae’s lips, “I think I have for a while, and I don’t want to waste any more time, hyung.”

 

It’s like something’s solved between them after that. They walk around the narrow streets of some town in Italy, which name neither of them can pronounce, hand clasped together and it for once doesn’t feel strange or wrong. They don’t feel like they’re being watched or that some paparazzi is going to jump out from behind any random building at any moment.

In Belgium Jiyong makes love to Seungri on a king sized bed in a small hotel room, after having spend the day out in the cold. Their feet are sore and thighs frozen, but they’re warm and cozy under the duvet after they’ve both had overwhelming orgasms. Jiyong had loved seeing Seungri arching his back beneath him, as Jiyong’d felt him clench around his cock, semen spilling out onto his magnae’s stomach as he’d come untouched.

Berlin is their riskiest destination, and they do meet a few fans, but by then it’s their fourth week of traveling so their shippers have gotten over most of the initial shock. Jiyong gives head for the first time that night in the toilet of some cheap bar. Seungri’s dick feels heavy on his tongue, and Jiyong finds himself loving the musky scent of his magnae. He tries his best, and he’s pretty sure he did at least a decent job, when Seungri moans so loud he stops himself mid-moan, and then comes down Jiyong’s throat. It doesn’t taste bad, but the saltiness burns on his tongue afterwards.

 

They’re supposed to fly back to Korea on the 2nd of March, but they can’t make themselves return just yet, so they pick a final destination and books a hut in the Maldives for another week. Yang Hyunsuk may or may not be furious with them later on, but neither of them can bring themselves to care just yet. They’re too absorbed in each other.

Jiyong asks Seungri to grow out his beard, and in turn Seungri asks Jiyong to take him out on what he deems as a ‘real date’.  
   “We’ve eaten out almost every night for a month, though”, Jiyong says, but Seungri shakes his head.  
   “I want to know what it feels like to be Kwon Jiyong’s lover for one night”, and Jiyong really can’t do anything but agree then. He wants to know what it’s like being Seungri’s lover too.

So he plans the perfect date five days in advance, because the reality is, that this might be the only time they’ll ever get to do something like this. They haven’t discussed it, but they’re both aware that when they go back to Korea, this, whatever’s blooming between them, simply has to go away. So Jiyong’s determined to make this week the best of both their lives.

On their second day in the Maldives, Jiyong comes back from a quick walk around the island around noon. He’d been out finding a nice restaurant for them to eat at on their last night.  
   He finds Seungri on their terrace, sea stretching miles and miles in front of him. He looks gorgeous sitting there, bare chest and in swimming trunks only. He’s nursing a cold beer, his eyes are closed as he’s leant his head back to rest against the window behind him. Jiyong sits beside him but keeps the silence between them.

They sit like that for a while, Jiyong going up to get a beer only to come back and continue to not say anything. It’s nice, he thinks, because it feels like they’re the only two people in the world. It’s a peace he’s never experienced before, but one he’s been missing nonetheless.  
   He can’t help it when he snaps a photo of Seungri like this. The sun’s shining on him, his beer empty in his hands but his eyes are still closed. Stubble is growing on his face already, and Jiyong loves how relaxed his magnae looks.

 

He posts the photo to his Instagram. It’s Seungri, the sun and the sea and he thinks it’s the single most beautiful photo he’s ever taken. He captions it with three emojis: the panda, the sun and a love heart.

 

Seungri fucks Jiyong in their pool that night. Jiyong’s gripping on to the edge, as Seungri’s slowly but surely thrusting in to him from behind. It’s so hard for him not to moan out loud, that his magnae has to clasp a hand over his mouth. He feels the beard burn on his back, as the younger man kisses his shoulders, sucking hard enough to leave marks, but Jiyong can’t care to tell him off in that moment.

When he wakes up the next morning he’s indeed covered in a few red bruises, but all he can do is smile, as he looks in the mirror, tracing his fingers lovingly over them.

 

With two days left before they return to Korea, Jiyong wishes it wasn’t so, but the mood tenses up between them so much so they’re almost avoiding speaking to each other. They take a walk around the island, which takes about thirty minutes, then go to get massages and it’s nice, but Jiyong feels it in the air - going back to Korea means having to say goodbye to this trip. It means saying goodbye to whatever is between them. It kind of also almost means saying goodbye to each other.

They eat at a buffet for dinner, and Jiyong eats every kind of seafood he can get his hands on. They share a piece of cake for dessert, feeding each other from their forks. It’s really nice and he wants to stay forever.  
   Walking back to their hut they meet a fan. Jiyong feels how Seungri tenses up beside him as they both try to act as normal as possible. She’s just arrived and is over the moon to actually meet them, and she’s nice but Jiyong still wants to throw up.

“We’ll never escape reality, hyung”, Seungri sighs into his skin later that night. He doesn’t know what to say, because whatever he thinks of is bad news. So instead he retorts to holding his magnae tight, placing kisses on top of his head.  
   “I can’t believe this is my life”, Seungri mumbles after a while, and Jiyong can’t believe that this is his life either.

 

When they wake up on their last day, they both seem to realize that this is it, as soon as they’ve opened their eyes. Seungri looks down at Jiyong with some sort of desperation in his eyes, so Jiyong leans up and kisses his magnae. The kiss is quickly deepened, making Jiyong moan softly, and Seungri rolls himself on top of him, gently grinding their crotches together.  
   “I’ll wait”, Seungri whispers into his neck, “I’ll wait, even if it takes years”, and those words mean the world to Jiyong, because even if they can’t be together now, Seungri thinks there might still be hope for them. And Jiyong finds himself agreeing, because right now in this moment, he’d wait a lifetime if that meant he’d get to be with his magnae once more. They slowly make love, as the sun’s shining in through their window. Jiyong takes time to mark Seungri with his mouth wherever reachable, and he loves every bruise that shows up on his magnae’s tanned skin. He doesn’t see himself ever loving a flat chest against his own or strong arms holding him tight, if it’s not Seungri. This dongsaeng is literally the only man he can imagine himself loving, ever, and he whispers this to Seungri, feeling his magnae’s cock twitch where it’s sliding into him with ease. And when Jiyong comes, the other man buried deep inside him, he cries tears of sadness but also happiness.

They go out for the dinner Seungri’d asked Jiyong to arrange, and it seems that they’ve mutually decided to not hold back this night. Because as soon as they’ve ordered their food and the waiter’s gone away, Seungri places his hand on top of Jiyong’s on the table - in full view of everyone else who are eating at the restaurant.  
   It feels weird at first, but Jiyong ends up convincing himself that this is okay for tonight. Because tonight is all they’ve got. And he leans in to capture his magnae’s lips in a short kiss, feeling adrenaline build in his body, because this is too crazy, too risky, but it feels so good. They laugh at each other, Seungri’s eyes sparkling from the candlelights.  
   “You’re beautiful”, Jiyong feels so cheesy saying this in that very moment, but it makes Seungri laugh harder, so it’s okay.

 

It feels a bit like someone’s died, when they pack their suitcases that night. And when they sleep, neither can bring themselves to hold onto the other. Jiyong thinks they’re both scared that they will never let go.

 

When they arrive in Incheon airport, Jiyong’s heart feels so heavy his legs stop working. He doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t want to have to go through the mob of fans, who awaits them behind the doors in front of him.  
   He looks up at Seungri, who looks equally as distressed, but puts an arm around Jiyong’s shoulder, holding him close for a moment, and then starts walking. With Jiyong tugged underneath Seungri’s arm, they hurry past all their fans, keeping their heads down.

This is it. This is their return to reality, their return to a world which won’t allow for Seungri and Jiyong to love. But it’s okay for now, because they’re not saying goodbye forever. One day, Jiyong thinks.  
   “One day, the world will be ready for us”, Seungri whispers in his ear. His voice is weak, but his arm holding onto Jiyong feels stronger than ever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that officially marks the end of this journey. Please do keep an eye on my works on here, because who knows - I might continue or expand this story in form on drabbles and one shots. I'm not ready to let go yet, but this at least had to end here.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed and please please comment and leave kudos, that'll mean the world to me!
> 
> xxxx


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